Dear [Redacted],
I've been thinking about us. Specifically the beginning of us.
That's how it starts... thinking of us. We meet in a bar, we're both so desperately heartbroken and we don't even know it. We're damaged. We'll damage each other. And yet, we'll still run this thing until the fucking wheels fall off.
I have to write you -- every time I speak my words don't mean what I want them to mean and I just can't seem to get it right. As a writer, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I fix the broken man and we fall in love, happily ever after. Fade to black. But that isn't our story. It's sloppy, and it's long, and it's on and off, and broken as hell. But it's my absolute favorite story and you just might be my favorite author. I think that's what happens when you love somebody before you love yourself; the beginning fades into the middle and blends into the end and it all happens so fast that you can't even realize it's happening and you definitely can't stop it. I don't want that to be us, that's why I'm writing to you, [Redacted]. I want you to love me bad, so bad that even after you tell me to drive my car into a wall you still can't let me go.
I certainly enjoyed our time. It's been nothing but a beautiful fucking tragedy. The road trips, the hangovers, the screaming, the hole in your bedroom door, and our cuddles that same night. All the times you woke up with a headache and told me you were sorry just to get drunk and do it again... and all of the times I came running back because I know you didn't mean it. That's the thing though, isn't it? How many times can I tell myself you're self-destructing or you're pushing me away and I have to prove to you that I'll never go away? How many times will I put you above myself? That's what happens when you love somebody before you love yourself. You become a broken, beat down version of the person you once were. Maybe this is the person you will always be. Maybe this is just a phase and you'll find the right woman to make all that pain go away. All that I know is that it isn't me. I wish so badly that it was, but I can't be that broken version of myself anymore, and for that I am sorry.
For months we fucked up. We apologized, we loved, we cried, we hated, but most importantly we forgave. [Redacted], I love you so bad. Like I said, I wish I could save you from yourself and fade to black, but sadly I can't even save myself from myself. But as a girl who loves that guy, I was reminded that we are not a stupid 80's movie, and the guy doesn't get the good girl. You'll never be outside my window playing my favorite song like some John Hughes movie. You'll always be the guy that lost the really good girl and for that, I am sorry.
If you listen very closely, you'll hear your heart beating fast and hard. That's me. Thats you realizing that you just lost me. Maybe forever, maybe just for now. This is the beginning fading into the middle, and possibly, blurring into the end. I don't think there is an end for us though. Maybe a pause. Because as long as you and I walk this Earth, it will never be over. There will always be hope, there will always be a chance, and there will always be fate. Until we meet again.
