After years of my mom telling me to see a doctor about obtaining anxiety medication, I finally felt I had reached a point when I couldn’t handle it on my own. The medication has been an amazing help; I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it, otherwise. I didn’t have the support of others because I didn’t let anyone know.
I continually replay the events of that night over and over in my head. What did I do to make him think his actions were OK? I was completely sober. I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, probably with a sports bra underneath. I’ve tried justifying his horrible actions but there isn’t -- and never is -- any justification for actions like this.
I woke up with him on top of me, one hand in my jeans and another going up my shirt. I couldn’t get free; this man was over six feet tall and at least 200 pounds. As I continually begged him to get off me, he put his hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet. When I didn’t comply he put his hand around my throat. Panic and shock overtook me as I shut down and just gave up. I just laid there until it was over.
I thought this only happened to girls who got super drunk at the bar and went home with strangers. I thought this only happened to girls who put their bodies out there for the entire world to see. This was only supposed to happen to the stereotypical “bad” girls. But while visiting an old high school friend at her college, it happened to me. He was her friend, someone I should have been safe around. This sexual assault made me realize that all those stereotypes that society places on survivors of sexual assault and rape, are completely false. I feel like a fool for ever believing that these women could have in some way “brought it on themselves.”
The aftermath left me broken. Having struggled with anxiety my entire life, my anxiety reached a whole new level, far from anything I had experienced before. A level that left me in the shower sobbing uncontrollably, a level where I would lay in bed because it seemed impossible for me to get up, a level scarier than anything I could have imaged. Afterward, I felt ashamed that I couldn’t handle myself. I felt dirty, disgusting, and worthless.
It took six months for me to tell anyone what had happened, and having someone else know took a huge weight off of my shoulders. She assured me it wasn’t my fault, and that I did nothing wrong. Over time, I opened up to more friends and my support system continually grew -- I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt from my friends and the amount of anger and disgust they harbored toward him. However, I continually hid this secret from my family.
I just told my mom hours before sitting down to write this. I didn’t want her to find out after the article. I didn’t want to give her more reasons to worry about me, and I didn’t want her to look at me any differently. However, after talking and crying, we’ve decided that some professional counseling is probably a good idea.
He took away my joy, my happiness, my belief that people are usually good, and my sense of self-worth. With the love and support of my friends and mom, I’m continually gaining these back. He’s affected the way I interact with men, emotionally trusting and connecting with a man has been a problem I’ve struggled with ever since that night. Though I’ll never forget what happened March 17, 2014, I am in charge of my future, and I refuse to let him and that event control it.
My advice to anyone going through the same thing is to report it as soon as you can. I was too ashamed to call the police, and I wonder how many other women he’s hurt since me. This is something that will always weigh on my mind. I’ll never have that closure I think I would’ve had if I had reported it.
My other main advice is to tell your story. Let others love and support you, because it makes all the difference in the world. Handling something this shocking and traumatic alone almost pushed me over the edge and for others suffering in silence it does. If you want to talk to someone who’s lived through it feel free to send me a Facebook message. Or if you’d like to talk to professionals there are plenty of groups ready to help.
