To The One Who Is Unsure

To The One Who Is Unsure

Because sometimes we wonder.
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It's late.

It's in the moments before your head hits the pillow. It's the moments when your body has been given a chance to slow down, and your mind seizes the chance to speed up.

It's late, and you wonder.

You wonder about your actions.

You wonder why you're doing what you do.

You wonder why you're pursuing the dreams you're chasing.

You wonder why you're trying to reach these goals.

You wonder about you.

Why do you even act this way in the first place?

Why do you even have these dreams and goals?

You wonder about the future.

Will your life ever be what you want it to be?

Will you ever be like what you wish you were?

You wonder about life.

Where is meaning?

What about happiness?

You wonder what (actually) is worth it - what is worthy to have your energy, your determination, your focus poured into with as much of your heart as you can muster.

I wonder, too.
Actually, if I'm honest, I wonder a lot.

What is worth it who is worth it why is it worth it and should it all actually be this way anyway.

Where should I go next why do I go there next and maybe there actually is a better way anyway.

What I wonder is why wonder often won't end.

One wondering leads to one wondering leads to one wondering leads to a life of wondering.

Now I'm sitting here, cold legs against the leather chair as I wonder about wonder, itself.

And I wonder what kind of life this is that I'm living.

To those who are unsure -
To those who wonder about actions, you, the future, life -

I have a message for you.

Sometimes, your wondering (actually) can't give you the answers as you want.

You may want your musings to end in tight answers and safe little conclusions which you can neatly stack and sit on - guarding with your being instead of walking and doing.

The wondering often doesn't end up in peachy little answers because there's always variables, elements outside of your control. However, you see, maybe these "peachy little answers" we think we want (actually) come at an overlooked price. Maybe they aren't what would finally satisfy us.

Your wondering isn't a weakness.

You see, this wondering can keep you settling for the "peachy little answers" that would cause you to settle for a life that's just less; it'd be less than the one that you are (actually) capable of living.

What if we stopped believing that wondering is a weakness? Thoughts ignite ideas. Ideas ignite change. Change ignites other thoughts which ignite ideas and more change.

Wondering has a use.

What if you saw your ability to wonder about so much as a tool that can be used to bring change not only for yourself but for the betterment of other people?

What if you wondered about what your life could look like if you wondered more about what made other people happy (and then sought to give them just that?).

What if you wondered what your life would look like without fear?

But it's (ultimately) yours.

You can choose to use your wonder for whatever you will. No one can make any life choices for you.


I wonder what life would be like - what your life would be like - if more people chose to use wonder for good.

Cover Image Credit: Deborah Spooner Photography

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I Weigh Over 200 Lbs And You Can Catch Me In A Bikini This Summer

There is no magic number that determines who can wear a bikini and who cannot.
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It is about February every year when I realize that bikini season is approaching. I know a lot of people who feel this way, too. In pursuit of the perfect "summer body," more meals are prepped and more time is spent in the gym. Obviously, making healthier choices is a good thing! But here is a reminder that you do not have to have a flat stomach and abs to rock a bikini.

Since my first semester of college, I've weighed over 200 pounds. Sometimes way more, sometimes only a few pounds more, but I have not seen a weight starting with the number "1" since the beginning of my freshman year of college.

My weight has fluctuated, my health has fluctuated, and unfortunately, my confidence has fluctuated. But no matter what, I haven't allowed myself to give up wearing the things I want to wear to please the eyes of society. And you shouldn't, either.

I weigh over 200lbs in both of these photos. To me, (and probably to you), one photo looks better than the other one. But what remains the same is, regardless, I still chose to wear the bathing suit that made me feel beautiful, and I'm still smiling in both photos. Nobody has the right to tell you what you can and can't wear because of the way you look.

There is no magic number that equates to health. In the second photo (and the cover photo), I still weigh over 200 lbs. But I hit the gym daily, ate all around healthier and noticed differences not only on the scale but in my mood, my heart health, my skin and so many other areas. You are not unhealthy because you weigh over 200 lbs and you are not healthy because you weigh 125. And, you are not confined to certain clothing items because of it, either.

This summer, after gaining quite a bit of weight back during the second semester of my senior year, I look somewhere between those two photos. I am disappointed in myself, but ultimately still love my body and I'm proud of the motivation I have to get to where I want to be while having the confidence to still love myself where I am.

And if you think just because I look a little chubby that I won't be rocking a bikini this summer, you're out of your mind.

If YOU feel confident, and if YOU feel beautiful, don't mind what anybody else says. Rock that bikini and feel amazing doing it.

Cover Image Credit: Sara Petty

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No, I'm Not 'Just Shy,' I Have Social Anxiety Disorder

Mental illness is not, and never has been, black and white.
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The other day, my parents and I were talking about mental health, and I was being very honest about my experiences for one of the first times. It's always been hard to talk about, and I know it's hard for my parents to hear, since I isolated myself and wouldn't let them help, despite them being completely willing to. But it really hit me why they hadn't known something was wrong, aside from my willing isolation: "When I was younger, we just didn't talk about anxiety or depression."

As someone who grew up with what I thought was fairly visible social anxiety, it just hit me that parents might not know exactly what social anxiety is in children, and it's one of the few mental disorders that often does show up in early childhood.

However, it's so often dismissed as "oh, they're just shy!" by parents, and that creates a dual problem: parents don't know something is wrong with their child, and their children don't know either, because they believe that the persistent anxiety they experience is just shyness.

This then leads into people also not recognizing it in adolescence, because at that point social phobias are confused with agoraphobia--people assume that if you get out and do things, you don't have social anxiety.

This could not be more wrong.

For me, looking back, I saw the signs even when I was very very young. I had a very hard time with new adults or overstimulating situations, meeting new people was hard, and having friends over was stressful. But it didn't start to get memorably bad until midway through elementary school--that was when my "shyness" turned, unbeknownst to me and everyone around me, into something more.

I remember not wanting to have friends over anymore, because I was scared they'd judge me and because I didn't know how to entertain them. Buying things for myself at stores was very, very difficult, and even seeing people I knew at stores was stressful.

The biggest issue honestly became food. I've grown up with body image issues for just about as long as I can clearly remember, though it probably turned really bad when I started to hit puberty early, in about the fourth or fifth grade. Ordering food was a nightmare when my parents didn't do it for me, and it was especially a problem if it was stereotypically unhealthy. I have a very vivid memory of my mom offering to give me money to buy a snow cone in the height of July and not having the courage to go do it.

Especially in junior high and high school, eating with friends was like calculus. I never ordered based on what I wanted to eat. I ordered based on what I could get while remaining under the radar. If I got something "too healthy." in my mind, that would earn a comment, but if I got something too unhealthy, people would think I was fat. Of course, this was totally ridiculous, my friends probably wouldn't have cared.

It was a huge issue for me because my anxiety amplified everything.

Shopping on my own was awful too - I swore I could feel everyone's eyes on me, I could practically feel total strangers judging me based on what I wore. Again, in reality, honestly, no one likely cared. But it caused me enough distress where I stopped doing things with friends, almost exclusively went shopping with my mother until about the tenth grade when I started to get therapy.

Even then, it was difficult until I started anxiety medication--I remember before my first date with a guy I really really liked (and my first date ever) having at least two full blown panic attacks, crying, almost throwing up, and then going to meet him.

Social anxiety was a huge player in my life for a long time.

However, for many of you who know me and are reading this article, you'll be thinking "That doesn't sound right." You might be thinking, "Rachel, you did speech and debate and did okay." or "But you had friends and did clubs and extracurriculars!"

To those around me, I probably didn't seem like the socially anxious kid. But it's only because I learned to hide it.

Yes, I did speech and debate. I also had panic attacks before every speech and I swear my heart rate didn't dip below 100 beats per minute through a whole tournament. I did it to acclimate myself to the anxiety. I joined clubs--but did I interact with people outside the club? Not really. I did have friends, but when they offered to do something with me, I always had an excuse.

Always.

I was high functioning with my anxiety, but it was awful to live with.

I have never been "just shy."

Social anxiety is more than never leaving the house.

Plenty of people deal with it and likely don't show the signs that we think are obvious, and don't get the help they need. But if we're more aware and help people realize, it can do amazing things. Now that I have therapy and medication, I go out with friends, I can go buy food or things I want on my own, and I have had a healthy romantic relationship, something I never thought I'd be able to do, all because I got the treatment I needed.

So if you're experiencing distress because of social situations, or if someone you love is, they might not be "just shy." Look for more than the obvious--mental illness is not, and has never been, black and white.

Cover Image Credit: @theswirlblog

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