The first time I realized that I was in unrequited love, I was reading a Sierra DeMulder poem. The way she described the man she loved, loving someone else, was exactly what my heart felt. My yearning for his voice on the other end of the phone was exhausting and I didn’t know how to rest.
DeMulder says, “You will want to call him. You will go as far as holding the phone in your hand, imagine telling him unimaginable things like you are always ticking inside of me and I dream of you more often than I don’t.”
I don’t know whether I made up our connection in my head or if you simply took advantage of the fact that I looked like someone who you could get the last word with. You were playing a game with me and I didn’t know the rules. Our relationship was like you playing the banker in Monopoly but stealing $10K when no one was looking. You took parts of me I didn’t even know I had, and when I realized you didn’t care, I realized this was unrequited love.
I can picture everything about the moment when I realized that you were with her. I looked at her social media and wondered what color of prom dress she’d be wearing in May. I had bought a blue dress because I knew the blue would look good when I was standing next to you. I think I got ahead of myself. I was not what you were looking for and I realize now that it’s okay, but back then, it wasn’t. She didn't make it until prom time and you called me when she left. You called me to give me false hope. I wish I hadn’t answered, but I did.
Right back into my old routine I went. I allowed myself to forget that you left once before and I thought a fresh start was what we needed. I loved you with a part of my heart that was selfless. I didn’t mind, at first, that I wasn’t receiving love in return. I didn’t mind sitting through chilly baseball games, in towns two hours away, to see you strike out player after player on that pitching mound. I didn’t mind, at first, that you never thanked me for coming, but now I do. I started writing about how much I loved you because I knew you wouldn't listen if I told you. I gave you so much of me, and you let me. I learned to respect myself because the way you treated her, in comparison to me, was eye-opening when you came back. You'd only want to meet me when it was dark. "Quick, so no one sees," you'd say. Being your secret was exhausting and was a wake up call that I needed to be shown off and loved like you did with her.
I know that I was capable of giving you an everlasting love, but all you wanted was an everlasting night. I realized that loving you was a lost cause because you never felt the fire for me that I felt for you. I would much rather spend my time putting fire into my own soul than giving it to someone who wants to blow out my only candle.
Because of you, when someone else has a fire inside of them for me, there will be more to love instead of less. Because of you, I respect myself because I know what I deserve.
