CINCINNATI, OHIO -- In a shocking moment of passion, Jimmy Buffett has expressed a love that runs far deeper than anyone ever anticipated. The abstract concept of the Midwestern United States fell into the sweet embrace of Jimmy onstage at Riverbend Music Center in Ohio, and a lustful union ensued.
Reactions were mixed. Visitors from the northeastern coast arriving with family seemed put off. Young children were forced to avert their eyes, and some not celebrating the 5 o'clock mentality left the performance. However, many of the fans were supportive of the lovemaking. A quiet rumble began in the amphitheater as dozens of people said 'Ope' while squeezing past others to get a better look.
Margaritas raised, high, long-wedded couples embraced one another. A gentle steel drum played, and the stage lights lowered as the onstage heavy petting began. Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops were tossed aside. A parrot descended from above, gently setting a condom next to Jimmy's abandoned visor and sunglasses. Now was not the time for words.
"It was bound to happen at some point, ya know," Dale Baldwin said afterward. "This is the third night of back to back sold out performances at this venue. He can't get enough of us, and we can't get enough of him. I just hope his wife Jane is understanding."
The display seemed to inspire quite a few lovebirds (or more appropriately, Parrot Heads) to follow suit. After the performance, the ground was strewn with bikini tops; tanning oil sales had skyrocketed. 'Cheeseburger In Paradise' could be heard blasting from multiple stationary, rocking cars in the parking lot.
Travel escapism seeped into the loins of every Midwestern man in the venue. Every woman felt the arousal that can only be experienced on a family vacation to Key West or Myrtle Beach. No matter how you feel about the sexual energy between one man and one region, for that moment in time, the world felt right.
