I don’t like the food served at Thanksgiving.
Already, I can hear hundreds of American citizens yelling, “Burn her at the stake!” just for even uttering those words. I don’t mean to shit on anyone's favorite holiday; if you like Thanksgiving food, more power to you. You’re probably a much better person than I am. I’m just saying that, personally, Thanksgiving food could be better.
I think my issues with it stem from the fact that Thanksgiving meals are totally bland, not necessarily in taste, but definitely in color. Think about it: Unless you eat sweet potato casserole, then your mashed potatoes are white. The turkey is white. The rolls are white. The corn...okay, the corn is yellow, but that’s too close to white to be considered a different color. Even the green beans are masked by a grey, mushroom sauce. It’s all just utterly boring. One year, I used a white plate to put my dinner on and actually misplaced all my food. I couldn’t find any of it. I was about to call Zak Bagans to come debunk the disappearance of my food before I realized it was all still on the plate; it had blended in.
Also, can we all stop pretending to like stuffing? It’s essentially turkey butthole bread. It’s soft and looks like vomit. You can give up the act, guys. I don’t trust anyone who say they like stuffing. There’s clearly something they’re hiding.
At this point, we’re all thinking the same thing, “Who tf does this girl think she is? We all know she’s going to be eating this food come Thursday.” You’re totally right. I am fake as hell. I’m going to plaster a smile on my face and give my compliments to the chef. I’ll eat every last bit I put on my plate. I will go in for seconds later on that night. On Friday, I will make a sandwich with the leftover turkey. I’m a poor college student; I’m not going to bite the hand that feeds me. I just like to complain, is all.
My mother makes a great Thanksgiving meal (my mother makes a lot of great meals in general, now that I’m complimenting her), and in no way am I implying that her food is gross or inedible. I am simply stating that if she suddenly decides to start ordering pizza from Domino's as our Thanksgiving feast, I wouldn’t be, in the slightest, upset by that change. That’s how indifferently I feel about Thanksgiving food. The only foods I would actually be disappointed in not eating are the mashed potatoes and rolls, but, if I’m being honest, I have mashed potatoes anytime I have steak.
That’s the thing with Thanksgiving food: It can be made at literally anytime of the year and I wouldn’t feel like I’m cheating on Thanksgiving. Take lasagna, for example. My mom only makes lasagna at Christmas and not a moment before. Therefore, I don’t eat lasagna on any other day than Christmas. If I had lasagna in, say, July, it would feel really weird. Lasagna is special to me.
I’m probably putting way too much thought into this. I need to get back on track.
I’m not saying I think anything less of people who like Thanksgiving food. In fact, I actually like Thanksgiving, the holiday, a lot. It’s very homey and it’s the kickstart of the holiday season. I just wish that every year when I sit down at the dinner table the first thought to come to my head weren’t, “Didn’t we just have this last year?”
Happy Thanksgiving, folks.
