UChicago holds the most unique position among U.S. educational institutions. And if you dream of spending the best years of your life at the University of Chicago, some hope! Dorm parties with new friends, high grades for your first academic paper, funny college flash mobs, and crazy greek life – forget this crap if want to survive there.
Instead, get ready for solemnity and sarcastic sense of humor to have the fullest experience at UChicago. Here goes the list of things you should NEVER do there to stay safe:
1. Have fun
Given that UChicago's slogan is "Where fun comes to die," it would be life-taking to joke with peers and professors there. Intellectualism (okay, let's call it nerdiness) is your top weapon to win the battle for high grades. Getting a major from the University of Chicago is like climbing the Everest: don't consider it yours unless you hold a diploma in hands and can literally lock it in your arms. Yeah, fun will hardly live in the place called "the level of hell Dante forgot" by its denizens. So, all the hope abandon, ye who enter here. And don't even think of paying for essays or grades at UChicago! Otherwise, the skies will open.
2. Leave your campus
They don't want you to do that! As distinct from other educational institutions in the city, UChicago doesn't offer free rides in the CTA public transport system to their students. With unrelenting workloads, heavy calendar of campus events, and all of Chicago's fun spots located an hour of travel from campus, you will easily forget there's a city somewhere around the corner.
3. Make friends with anyone out of your house
Still waiting for the letter from Hogwarts? UChicago is the best alternative to this school of witchcraft and wizardry, thanks to its unique design of the house system. Once you've assigned to one of 38 houses, you need to develop a strong sense of community, follow their traditions, and perform their rituals. Get ready to sit at separate tables under the banner with your house's name and honor its members as your family. And nope, there's no Sorting Hat out there, though certain personality traits are unofficially ascribed to members of each house.
4. Become "That Kid"
"That Kid" is a student of UChicago, believing he's the smartest person in the lecture room. He sees it right to argue with professors and instructors, referring to sources he but no one else knows. When at the University of Chicago, you'll meet "That Kid" by all means (at least once!) What you should never do is engaging with him; otherwise, you risk to become "That Kid" yourself.
5. Rely on your campus printing system
Campus printers are awesome at UChicago! The problem is, they are popular among students because of their awesomeness. So, if you think of putting off your print jobs until the last minute, think again! The traffic around those super-duper machines is difficult to predict. Long lines of peers who observe a nerd printing his 100-page reading in five minutes left for you to get to class is usual practice at the University of Chicago.
6. Ignore SCAV
Rumors have it, UChicago students missing the Scavenger Hunt burn in hell. This annual four-day competition takes place each May when the list of awkward items for teams to find and complete appears at the university. Impossible to describe by words, SCAV transforms the campus into a mad professor's laboratory you won't find anywhere else.
7. Be afraid of the neighborhood
The north of 52nd street and the south of 61st street are the upper and lower bounds of the UChicago campus. Legend has it that uncontrolled gangs of lower-income communities live there, kidnapping and eating well-nourished eggheads who leave the campus. Sad but not true. Feel free to explore the city, make friends with the Hyde Park community, and debunk this myth to your alarmed parents.
8. Sleep through Valois O’clock
Valois Cafeteria is among the best things that might happen to you at UChicago. Its delicious and affordable menu starts serving at 5 am, known as "Valois O'clock" and challenging all students to resist sleep. Rumors have it that some barter away soul for Valois breakfasts.
9. Rent from MAC
Given that they don't let you leave the campus (see #2), doing that becomes your first and foremost desire at the University of Chicago. Moving out of campus into outside apartments, you might give in to the temptation to rent from MAC. Sure, their friendly representative and yummy complimentary chocolate bars do part, and yet they can't be enough for you to say yes to living in hell. It seems that the reputation of a terrible landlord will follow MAC everywhere now.
10. Forget about office hours
Long hours in libraries and showing up to every single class won't help you survive at the University of Chicago. Your homework faithful discharge doesn't save if you ignore the initiative to consult professors during their office hours. Ongoing discussions with brilliant educators won't come in vain for those willing to get knowledge and succeed.
