Everyone goes through loss at one point in their life, whether it’s a pet, a friend, or a family member. We avoid it at all costs, we try not to think about it, we completely ignore it but it happens and we're left dumbfounded wondering why this is happening now, why at this point in time? At such a young age it seemed like something you just heard about, or saw on the news. The naïve little girl I was thought that it would never happen to my family… my brain couldn’t grasp why god would do that to me, take someone I love away from me.
The first death I ever experienced was the family dog, Harley. I cried and cried as he was carried out in a blanket and buried in the yard. But after a while I convinced myself he was coming back and I just had to keep telling myself that. But he never came back. And all of a sudden he was just a memory. It hit me like a brick when I finally realized I would never get one of his wet kisses again or be able to fall asleep next to him rubbing his soft furry yellow ears. But as I grew up we had other dogs and I learned that it was life, dogs weren’t meant to live as long as humans.
At age 14 my Nana was diagnosed with cancer and that’s when I found a whole new meaning of life. As I watched her get physically weaker every single day as she fought with everything she had, refusing to give up. Treatments after treatments, hospital visits after hospital visits I began to truly understand how fragile life is. It seemed like a dream to me, how could this be happening to me, to my family, to my Nana? She had done nothing wrong to deserve this. She worked, she lived, she built her own family, she loved every single one of us with everything she had. I realized you can do everything right, you can be a good person and still have bad things happen because it’s this crazy thing we call life. I became angry at the world.
I remember sitting in the hospital waiting room praying something would give, something would happen and everything would be okay. I crossed my fingers, I wore my lucky necklace that got me through all my sports games, I prayed… but in the end I realized I was being selfish. Because my Nana fought as hard as she could but it was her time to go and rest peacefully. My Nana lived a good life, she was surrounded by the huge family she built that loves her with everything. She went as comfortably as we could make it for her and with that it gives me a little peace.
Losing a dog I knew there would be other dogs and it was life but when I lost my Nana, it was more than that. A family member was gone and it will forever be a hole in the family. Because I realized I can pet other dogs but I can never go running back into my Nana’s warm house and fall into her arms, I can never hear her belly laugh again, or hear her call me her Tinkerbell again I can never feel her thin lips on my cheek again, I don’t get another I love you from her.
I hold on to every memory; every holiday spent with her, every back to school shopping trip, every adventure, every last I love you. Death breaks a person down to the lowest point but it also makes you stronger, it opens your eyes. As sad as that is, it’s the truth. After losing my Nana, I had a whole new outlook on life, I cried a little harder than I ever had before, I love stronger, I hold on to everyone that I love a little tighter. Life is this crazy, sad, wonderful, beautiful thing that builds us up and breaks us down.
It scares me more than anything to think about one of my friends or family members dying. I’m not scared to die, I know it’s life and I know it’s going to happen. But me being selfish, I don’t want to feel that pain again of losing someone in my life, missing them, mourning them. I can try to explain how I learned about death but the truth is I will never truly understand it. I will never understand how to really cope with it but one thing I have to understand to even keep going is that it’s life. C’est la vie.
