As a disclaimer, this article is going to be very personal and cover a topic that most people do not want to talk about: suicide. This article is honestly about my darkness and the hope I pray to find. For anyone who knows about To Write Love on Her Arms, September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. I truly hope this article can help someone else during their struggles.
I remember the very first time that I wanted to end my life. I was about 15-years-old and was a sophomore in high school. I will admit that I just started feeling really sad, like really sad. My mind then started to tell me that the world would be better without me. My mind also told me that suicide was the way out from all the hurt and pain that I felt. I even remember my first suicide attempt. I will admit that I tried to choke myself with a belt around my neck. I remember feeling that I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t worthy of life, so why bother? After my first attempt, I started feeling even more sad and each time something negative about myself popped in my mind, I would attempt to end it all. At the time, suicide was a taboo topic, so I actually hid my pain. I put on a smile and told everyone that I was fine. I was okay. Behind the mask, I was falling apart and suffering for acceptance. I had put my validation in the hands of people who didn’t even know me and what I was going through.
I remember having the belt around my neck, ready to choke myself, losing my breath, and…I stopped. I stopped the attempt. I will admit that I was mad at myself for not going through with it. Day after day, I asked myself, Why? Why did I stop? It could’ve been over by now? I wrestled with these questions for a long time, even when I was in college. A phrase I saw on the internet really spoke to me. Actor Jared Padalecki (of Supernatural and Gilmore Girls) had an interview with To Write Love on Her Arms about Always Keep Fighting or AKF. I loved what he had named the campaign, Always Keep Fighting. This came at a time that I was honestly tired of fighting. I will admit that I was tired of living, but something told me to hold on…
One main part of my “hope” was my mom. I truly did not want to hurt her in that way. I am her only child and the thought of my death by my own hand would cause her so much heartache stopped me. I am her shoulder to lean on and she is mine. Another part of my hope was the song “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato. I listened to the lyrics: Go on and try to tear me down/ I will be rising from the ground/ like a skyscraper. From that, I had to believe that I was worth living and that I was worth recovery.
In your darkest hour, I want you to know that you are not alone. I am not “fixed.” I just take it day-by-day. I am not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t have suicidal thoughts or attempts anymore. I admit that I still do sometimes. It is a struggle, but I know that I am worth recovery. You are worth living. You are worth more than the labels people put on you. You are worth more than the addiction you are fighting.
You are worthy. You are worth living. Please believe that you are so worth living.