When my friend and I go out and meet new people, there’s a stark difference in the way they treat her versus the way they treat me.

“You are so pretty.”

“I love your hair.”

“You have such nice, big eyes,” they tell her, and seem satisfied when she smiles and thanks them sweetly.

For her, these comments are commonplace. She takes each one in stride, likely forgetting them and expelling them from her pretty mind beneath her lovely hair. A part of me is delighted that she is so confident in herself and accepts the compliments despite being sure enough of herself to not crave any validation from others. On the other hand, a part of me is feeling the faint, muted disappointment of not receiving the same acknowledgment.

I would consider myself a relatively confident person. I work hard on projects I care about and take pride in my accomplishments. Gossip and shit-talking bounce off me like bullets - I remain unaffected by the opinions of people I do not value or know. I know that I am an intelligent, perceptive, and interesting person, but there is still a vain and shallow part of me deep down that sinks every time I am overlooked in favor of my friend.

It is not a matter of being found attractive - more people aim to befriend her, remember her, and want to like her when they meet her because her face is the first and only thing they know.

When I mention this concern to her, my friend is usually affronted by the seeming accusation that she is given opportunities simply because of her appearance, but is not my intention to accuse her of anything. My friend very much is a hardworking and smart person, and while she is quite attractive, I know that her appearance cannot have had more than only a sliver of a role in getting her opportunities, if that at all.

Still, studies have shown that attractive people are perceived to be better people, better partners, and better employees, and tend to be more successful overall than people with below-average appearances. Business magazines are constantly shoving it in people’s faces that the more attractive are going to do better, and on the search for potential partners men, women, and other genders alike justify rejecting someone for their appearance because it’s simply “how men/women think,” “natural,” or “based on evolutionary instinct.”

Makeup ads are constantly telling me how to enhance, cover up, and fix my face. Movies show us that even “ugly” people in movies get chances by applying a little bit less makeup than usual on beautiful actresses. I know that as a woman with below-average looks, I will have to work a little bit harder in everything I do in order to receive the same opportunities as my friends. But in the end, it is still both of our work ethics and potentials that give us an edge.

I’m here to say that it is okay to be unattractive.

You might receive fewer opportunities and some things will be unfair and suck, but in the end, it’s not your fault. If you want to wear makeup, change your hair, get surgery, do it if it will truly make you feel more confident and happy in the long run. The point is, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want, and it is not your fault that you look the way you do. Life is unfair (but you already knew that).

You can sit around moping about missed opportunities, or you can go out and be someone who others will remember, regardless of something as trivial as your face.