As a college student, not having the Uber app is equivalent to being the small, injured antelope in the herd. It is very clear that you will not survive. Although Uber is an invaluable asset to have as you set off on a night of adventures, the notion of it can be extremely odd. Just think about it. Let's take a group of questionably intoxicated college students who are high off of their first taste of freedom, throw them into a moving vehicle with a person who they have no background on, and mix all this with the fact that said person has control of where they are going AND someone's credit card. Sounds super safe and fun to me, right? For whatever reason though, Uber always seems to be the knight in shining armor that swoops in during your time of need and whisks you away to your happily ever after-- namely your dorm room bed.
Although portions of your night are bound to be hazy, it is very common that an interaction with your Uber driver clearly sticks out in your mind the next day. The drivers only job is to get you to your destination, but the way in which they go about doing this can really be a hit or miss. Don't believe me? Let's discuss.
Everyone has had the Uber driver who just won't engage you no matter how many questions or delightful pleasantries you attempt to exchange. As soon as you slide in the backseat you can feel their disapproving glare through the overhead mirror. This driver's stony silence causes you to realize how annoying you truly are and that you seriously need to re-evaluate your life. Well played sir, well played.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the Uber driver who will not stop talking about themselves, their job, their family, etc. Whether you are interested or not, you will be finding out far too many personal things about this individual. Now don't get me wrong, I'm always down for some quality conversation, but when I'm getting out of the car yelling, "Bye! I hope little Nancy's cat comes back and your grandma's spine heals after treatment," you can be certain things have gone too far. I once had a driver tell me how the music on the station I requested reminded him of what is played in the background of his favorite 90's soft porn. Needless to say, I no longer listen to that station and the rest of the ride was spent in uncomfortable silence. Why do bad things happen to good people?!
Another common type of Uber driver is the one who is clearly trying to maintain a five-star rating and is therefore extremely over-prepared. You may identify this individual by their blinged-out interior and relentless offers of whether you would like gum (they have three kinds), water, a phone charger, mints, or other miscellaneous items. For my "Mean Girls" fans out there, consider this driver equivalent to Regina George's mom. They will constantly intrude on your conversations wondering if you need anything such as, "some snacks? A condom? Just let me know! Oh, God love ya!" One time on the way back from a party my roommate and I stepped into an Uber that had a full on printer hooked up in the backseat. The driver then prompted us to print any urgent late assignments we had missed because obviously that was the first thing on our minds at 2 a.m. on a Saturday. How thoughtful of him!
However, the most satisfying moment of all is when your Uber arrives and the drivers turns out to not only be normal, but super awesome! It is moments like these where we must take a step back and thank the Uber God's for this blessing, all while regaining our faith in the system. I am sorry I ever doubted you. These drivers are usually super friendly and engaging, and they definitely contribute to your great night out. I've had a driver who took the song request Ice Ice Baby from my friends and me, and then proceeded to rap the whole song with us. What a time to be alive. I've also had a driver who called herself, "The Uber Queen, Baby!" and would constantly yell out the word, "YAAAASS!!!" after every sentence. Best. Ride. Of. My. Life.
Needless to say, having Uber is a privilege. And with that privilege you must be willing to accept the fact that your driver could be an Ax murderer OR they could be the Uber Queen. I wish for all of you out there to constantly have amazing drivers, but we both know that this just won't be the case. The next time you get a driver who simply won't talk, why not try to break the ice (ice baby) by asking them their thoughts on 90's soft porn soundtracks. I'm sure they have never heard that one before.
Ride responsibly, kids.
