Happy Valentine's week, people! Regardless of your feelings about the holiday, I think we can all agree on one thing: there is a lot to discuss here. See,Valentine's Day is kind of different from the other holidays. If you have read my other posts you know that I'm not in the business of celebrating holidays for a whole two months before they happen. I feel like Valentine's Day never shows up too early and never overstays its welcome.
I feel like V-day is actually an easy time to be in a relationship. Conversely, the Christmas season sounds like a nightmare. You have to be nice the entire Christmas season which by today's standards means August 31st through mid January. Valentine's Day is great because it is just that: Valentine's DAY. You can go back to behaving like pond scum towards your SO on the 15th. Is this healthy? No. But it is a whole lot more realistic. Additionally, you have to admit that you don't spend bulk time of the year thinking about Valentine's Day. It shows up out of nowhere in the most cold, boring, weirdly short month of the year and that's it. I spend time looking for sparkly New Years Eve dresses for probably about a total of 24 hours throughout the year. On V-day I just show up and bam there are sympathy flowers for me from my parents since I'm perpetually single. Easy peasy. So shhh don't tell anyone but I actually really like Valentine's Day.
The argument from opposing counsel is that it is "just a Hallmark holiday" and "stupid" and "a waste of money" and "makes single people feel bad."
My rebuttal: if it truly is "Just a Hallmark holiday" then you don't have to participate. We don't need your negativity! Why on earth would celebrating love in all its forms me "stupid"? You're stupid! How about every boy who says it is a waste of money or a money making scheme could just topic change to telling me how much money they've spent on sneakers this year and Football Jerseys with another grown man's name on it. Oh and your Juul habit. Yeah, thought so.
In response to the last, I don't feel bad at all. If you feel bad on Valentine's day, toughen up. This is a day for me to shine. I get a free pass to do three things I'm awesome at all at the same time: Drinking wine and eating chocolate while wearing pink. I do this year round but V-day gives me a chance to perfect my craft, if you will.
Now that I've set the scene a little bit, I'm going to tell you all the different girls you'll either see on Valentine's day or see on social media
1. The stressed out girl
There are so many facets to this girl and the stress could be stemming from a variety of areas. She could be frantically walking around CVS looking for a perfect lipgloss to get for a date. Or you might overhear her on the phone wondering if Josh is going to ask her to be his girlfriend since they have been talking since sophomore year. Maybe she is stressed because she wants to break up with her date. Maybe it's that Brandon is totally gonna forget Valentine's day and the worst part is that she didn't even get an Instagram post!
2. The sad girl
Mope, mope, mope. Sad, sad, sad. Oh get over it!!! There has to be some way you can find happiness on this day. Go get your nails done, love is overrated it's fine. There is no reason to completely lose it when you coincidentally do your taxes this week and it pronounces you as "single filing status". It means nothing. That means nothing right? Asking for a friend.
3. The girl who is in love with her pyramid scheme
Please refer to my NYE social media post article for more information but yeah, this one face scrub is the only man she needs! If only I could lure in men the way an overpriced face scrub lures in jobless recent communication major graduates!
4. The drunk girl
Can be heard slurring "who needs boys" and "hos before bros" while wearing a red or pink tube top. Everyone knows V-day is on a Sunday this year. So if you go home with someone Saturday night...you do the math. This chick stalks her prey, knows how to make herself available and understands that a little desperation can go a long way. She gets what she wants and I have way more respect for her than pyramid scheme girl.
5. The girl who's all about Galentine's Day
This person will be organizing the school bake sale tricky tray extravaganza in fifteen years. Has a photo booth for three friends. Am I this girl? Absolutely. Have I googled edible glitter an embarrassing amount over the past week? Yes. In case you're wondering, the kind you put in Champagne will NOT arrive in time for Valentine's day.
6. The girl who is secretly mad that her SO isn’t doing anything for her
During the leadup to V-day this girl finds a way to bring up her lack of V-day plans in any conversation. Usually this consists of "we just really want a quiet night"
Jonathan hates making reservations, "Valentine's day isn't our thing", Jonathan forgets Valentine's Day every year "We love each other all year round who needs a day to celebrate it." If he doesn't at least get me chocolates I am going to shave his head in his sleep. Playing it this cool seems exhausting. She may seem calm but don't drink the Kool Aid. She's fuming. Jonathan is simply never getting laid again!
7. The girl who thinks Valentine’s Day exists just so she can remind people she got married this year
Just in case the posts about everything leading up to the wedding, her last slice of pizza as a single woman, her first time brushing her teeth as wife, pictures of new wedding china, phone photos, proofs from the photographer, all the photos from the photographer, first married Halloween, first married Thanksgiving, first married Christmas and haha here's our card we couldn't even send a hard copy to your sorry single self, NYE as a husband and wife (#myforevernewyearskiss) wasn't enough to ensure that all her social media friends understand that she is married this girl posts it up for Valentine's Day. She probably writes something like this:
*Wedding photo where she is channeling Tyra Banks staring into husband's eyes with the veil blowing behind her. He is staring back and one can not tell if this is a look of true love or fear or perhaps a mix.*
I'm spending this Valentine's Day with my Husband. Our love has grown so much over the last year. I can't believe last Valentine's Day we were only engaged. Then we got married. If you were lucky enough to be at our wedding and see our true love you know how special this day will be for us. Kenneth is the kindest, smartest, man and has made this honeymoon phase unforgettable. Every day feels like our wedding day. I'm sure he has something special planned and will make me feel like a princess. My forever Valentine I love you just as much if not more than when we said our vows at our wedding.
Kenneth, blink twice if you're okay!!
8. The girl who gets broken up with on Valentine's Day
This is so, so sad and should absolutely never happen. If this happens to you please call me and we can go egg his house.
9. The normal girl
The rarest in this whole list. This girl is in a nice, stable relationship. It is serious, but not serious enough to where she is going to be dramatic and get engaged on Valentine's Day. She gets her SO a nice present, he gets her something nice. They go to dinner and have the surf and turf specials with some nice red wine. It is a peaceful and lovely evening. I relate the least to this out of everything, but it sure would be nice!
Whatever kind of girl you are, I hope this made you laugh and that you have an awesome V-day!