I have always been an uptight person, although I haven’t always known this. Or perhaps I just haven’t accepted it.

I don’t think anyone likes to imagine “uptight” on their list of adjectives used to holistically encompass who they are as a person. And I wouldn’t probably mention that to an employer if they ask me how my friends and family would describe me.

Two years ago, I hurt myself and had to visit a chiropractor. The first thing he says as he begins to analyze the stance and motion of my body, “You’re a type A person, aren’t you?” My dad laughed as I grumbled and shrugged it off.

I wanted to scream, "I’m not a type A person! I’m easy-going!"

I guess when you have to convince yourself you're not type A, it isn’t so.

However, I didn’t fully realize I wasn’t the flexible person I thought, until I traveled across the country with three of my friends. Of course, being me, I had expectations of this road trip. I pictured the definite epiphany I would have while hiking in the mountains at sunset, I imagined the closeness I would experience with my fellow traveler friends, the cute pictures and videos we would take, and I thought about all the sights I would see.

I developed an intense appreciation for the natural world after being completely immersed in it: running through the snow-capped Rocky Mountains, trudging down the steep paths of the Grand Canyon with dirt and sweat adhered to every inch of my blistering body, looking down at the iridescent lights of Albuquerque from its highest peak while the clouds enclosed on us.

Despite the unbelievable sights I experienced, I was often fed up with my friends, exhausted from spending long days in the car, constantly worried about running out of money too soon and frustrated it didn’t have the impact I had expected. I wasn’t in too many pictures or videos because I had a perfect idea of how they should look, and no one could see and capture my vision. Tense moments perspired within our group. Sometimes these were provoked by my need to be responsible and safe, but often was due to my stubbornness and inability to give up control.

When asked, in Phoenix, what types of things we realized about ourselves on this trip, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “I romanticized the impact of this trip, I keep a lot of frustrations held in, and I’m not as easy-going as I thought…” and my friends laughed as if this has always been common knowledge.

I think other people can know things about ourselves before we do.

Looking back, I see this rigidity in so many parts of my life. When I was in preschool and played house with my friends, I had to be the mother. If I wasn’t, I threatened to leave and go home. I always played the mom, because they never wanted me to go home. In elementary school, we played a new game when I said so, because I got bored.

This is obviously a trait that has followed me through the years.

I’m not sure where it started or why, but knowing it exists within me helps me deal with it. Each day, I try to be less tied to an ideal experience or event and just be alright with how it naturally transpires. I silence myself and breathe when something isn’t going how I wish, because I know it will still be okay. If someone else takes leadership, I will still be alive, I will still be loved and I will still be me.

I think not only being aware, but being accepting, of undesirable traits we hold is a necessary step to self-love. I too often put myself down for this trait, why can’t you just accept how things are, but those criticisms only harm an individual. Accept it and take strides to change it if it makes you unhappy.

That’s really all we can do.