Recently, I experienced the worst heartbreak of my young life. After almost five years together, me and my now ex, broke up. This all happened a week before Christmas. It has been the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. And in going through it, I realized that nobody ever talks about heartbreak and how raw those feelings really are. Nobody ever prepares you to experience that pain, and when it hits you, you feel so weak. You think you are being a lesser human being because you are experiencing this pain. You just have to take those feelings as they come, one day at a time.

Day 1

The day of the breakup was the worst pain I had ever felt, truly. I spent the whole day with a tightness in my chest, and the pain in my heart felt like my heart had been thrown into a paper shredder, stomped on, and then thrown into a pool of glass. And no, that's not an exaggeration. I spent all day with sunglasses on so that when the tears started uncontrollably flowing, nobody would see. I slept for 10 hours the night before and still took a nap because all of the emotions I was feeling had me so exhausted I could barely stand. I hid in my room when I was home. I had three different friends come over to check on me. One brought me a Frosty, because I was refusing food, and he figured ice cream was something I may eat. Another held me in my driveway while I cried. The other held me on my couch while I sat and quietly had a panic attack.

Day 2

The second day was just as painful, with an edge that was only slightly lesser. Waking up, I was foggy. I felt like it may have all been a bad dream. I went to my messages on my phone, seeking confirmation that it was all a dream. I checked my messages, only to find it was not a bad dream, and this was, in fact, my second day living as a single woman in 5 years. I cried all over again and didn't want to get out of bed. I saw my best friend for the first time after the breakup, and she had to hold me up while I cried so hard I started to collapse. She held me while I screamed to the heavens and cried. In that moment, the pain felt like it would never ever end.

Day 4

We met to exchange stuff. I gave you my vows, as well as some pictures of us. I shoved the rest of it into a bag and threw it in my garage, so I wouldn't have to look at it because I couldn't bear to. I still couldn't bring myself to go through your clothes, so you tell me I can keep them. What you don't know is that I don't want to keep them. We talk about the breakup some more, and it helps provide me with a lot of closure. I still hurt. It's just wasn't as raw.

Day 6

It was Christmas Day, and all I could do while I opened presents with my family was wonder what it would be like if you were here, opening presents with us, just like we had planned on three weeks ago. I laid on the floor and cried, while simultaneously shivering after opening presents because the coldness of your absence washed over me like a wave. I kept wishing I could stop the pain, and I could stop crying, but my mom told me it's okay to fall and it's okay to cry, I just have to know when to get back up. So I laid on the floor and cried for 15 minutes, and then I get up because I knew it was time to.

Day 10

I listened to a Taylor Swift song about being washed clean after a break-up and ridding yourself of any traces of the person who hurt you, so I decided it was time to take that step. Through uncontrollable tears and panic attacks, with music playing in the background, I went through my entire room and put every piece of clothing you ever loaned me into a bag, every stuffed animal you ever gifted me into a bag, every note you had ever written me into a bag, and every picture of us still remaining in a bag. Nine bags of your things later, and I am laying in bed, crying uncontrollably, feeling all the pain in my chest all over again, and I realize that I am broken.

Day 11

I brought your clothes to your house and used that opportunity to say goodbye to your pets. I stood in your doorway, petting your dog and crying. We talked some more, and it hurt because deep down, I knew this was the last time we would talk like this. This day was the day of lasts. The last time I saw your pets. The last time I came to your house. The last time I kissed your cheek. The last time I see your room, which is bare now that you have taken down the pictures of us. The day of lasts hurt worse than the day of firsts without you. Because I knew these were the lasts.

Day 12

It was your birthday today, and even though I knew that I needed to stay away from you, I texted you and told you "Happy Birthday," because I had so many plans for your birthday. We were going to lay on your couch and mess around on Facebook and laugh. We were going to eat cake, and when you blew out your candles, I was gonna shove cake in your face, because I knew you'd do it in return. We were going to go see the new Star Wars because I know how much you loved it. We were going to kiss at midnight. But instead this year, I worked in the morning, and came home and sat watching movies with my family, trying to distract myself from the fact that we should be together today.

Day 14

You came by to say goodbye to my pets and return one last thing today. I realized that we can't keep seeing each other, because seeing you destroys me all over again. I can't keep breaking myself for you. Today is the second day of a new year, so I decide to make this year about healing myself. I realize that nobody else is going to have my back, and I have to have my own back. As you pull out of the driveway for the very last time, and I break down on the couch, the tears I cry are not only out of hurt. They are also out of relief. Relief that I can finally start to heal myself. Relief that recovery was now something I could see in my future, when two weeks ago, the pain felt endless. Relief.

If you are currently experiencing heartbreak, you are not alone in the pain you feel. The emotions and pain you are experiencing are completely normal, and you are not weak for being knocked down by them. You have to accept the feelings as they come. It is part of healing. Don't be afraid to be heartbroken.