@Oh_EmmaGee: This weather makes Monday so much easier. So does this latte. So does this doughnut.

@danCLYNE: As an experienced writer, I know how hard it is to pinpoint the right words to describe a perfect Mountain Dew in your Yelp review.

@SimoneKohn: Sittin in class right now and realized my shirt is on backwards...now what.

@nattiiceee: But then I find any reason to celebrate: Hey you finished your test, lets drink Hey you know how to tie your shoes, let's drink.

@TimDufy: Did the casual "how much money did I spend last night" check while walking to class and I let out a gasp that scared the girl next to me. 

@joshgroban: So Beyonce is basically saying "don't surf drunk or you'll wake up in your kitchen"? I'm so confused. 

@ManCandy4U: I'm buysexual, you buy me alcohol, i become sexual.

@JudgmentalGay: Someone told me I need to do more squats. Rest in peace. You were a good person. 

@suzannahsparks: the only people that tell me they love me are my parents, and blacked out customers. 

@ColtonMercurio: Conversation topic from the couple on a first date at the table next to me: Tricking a homosexual horse to walk upstairs.

@sorrynotsorryy: My hair may be in a messy bun , but it took me about a billion tries to get it this way.

@elaineeggert: one of my snaps are sending so i'll take that as a sign that i am way too ugly to snapchat.

@BadAdviceDog: Dirty laptop? Pour water on it and go to sleep, when you wake up the water will be evaporated and your laptop will look brand new!

@yaboybillnye: what happens in a black hole stays in a black hole sh** is like vegas but in space #TurnUp.

@GWalshh34: Couldn't even finish my burrito from Chipotle so that's an all-time low.

@robfee: Sherbet is great if someone asks you for ice cream and you hate them.

@JimGaffigan: "Why don't we scoot around while we try to balance on two knives?" Pitch for ice skating.

@CNOtheCEO: Twitter goes down while I'm studying to try to make me actually study hahahahhaha jokes on your I played flappy bird instead.@JimGaffigan: Just took my kids ice skating for the last time.