Twice a year, I get a tuition bill that makes me contemplate dropping out and living on the streets. The University of Pittsburgh, already the most expensive in-state school in the country, feels the need to increase tuition by at least one exponent each year. The best part about these increases in tuition is no one ever knows what they're going toward. It's sure as hell not for improving the food or Wi-Fi connection, so where is our money going? No one wants to shell out more money for tuition each and every year without some real changes in everyday student life. Here, I've outlined some university fees I would gladly accept and whole-heartedly support.

1. Expedited elevator service fee

I would pay upwards of $150 per semester to be able to walk into the Cathedral and know I will only be waiting a maximum of five minutes for an elevator. The recent elevator updates, which were supposed to improve efficiency (I think?), really only serve as a different form of waiting. Instead of blindly guessing which elevator will take you up to the 33rd floor, the updated services tell you which elevator you'll be waiting on for the next 25 minutes. Imposing this fee will guarantee no one will have to leave an hour early to make it to their class at the top of the Cathedral.

2. Shut up during lecture fee

I would pay at least $500 per semester to remove the social disapproval of yelling at someone in a large lecture hall to shut the fuck up during a lecture. With this fee, I, and anyone else providing the proper payment, could, without any negative consequences or judging stares from other students, tell anyone talking about something that's not the lecture topic to shut up or get out.

For an extra $75 a semester, this privilege could be expanded to yelling at anyone talking loudly or obnoxiously at the library.

3. Reserved seat fee

While I didn't think this needed to be paid for or explained to anyone, for $20 per class, I would pay to claim one seat on the first day of class and reserve it for the entire semester. This means that whether it's a regular day of class or an exam, no one could walk in and try to sit in my seat. For this small fee, I could walk into any of my lectures and know my seat will be waiting for me, untouched by any of my inconsiderate classmates.

4. Be on time fee

I would pay $150 per semester to have the doors of every lecture hall automatically lock after the first 30 minutes of every class. There's no reason why anyone should just be walking in as the professor clicks onto their 50th slide. I myself would pay an extra $20 to be able to personally slam the door in someone's face if they tried entering after the 30-minute mark.

5. Group project insurance

For $225 a semester, I would pay for the right to dispose of any deadweight group members and replace them with someone who gives a damn. I've had my fill of group members who somehow managed to be accepted into college without learning the difference between "your" and "you're" or that the submission deadline for their part of the project does not mean they should start working on it at that time.

6. Email response fee

Because my tuition is already going toward my professors' salaries, the amount of money I would pay for them to respond to my emails in a timely fashion is fairly low. For an extra $50 per semester, I would pay for a guaranteed response in my inbox within 48 hours of sending my email. If $50 is all it takes for my professor to respond to my question about the homework before it's due, I'm in.

7. TA knowledge fee

I would shell out an additional $35 per class to have access to a TA who actually knew what he/she was talking about. After countless instances of me rearranging my schedule to make it to a TA's office hours only to be greeted with an "I don't really know the answer" response to my question, I, and everyone else in the 300-person Bio 1 class, would pay for a TA who knows something about the cell cycle.

8. Table at Hillman fee

For $400 a semester, I would pay to reserve the right to kick anyone out of their table at Hillman if I don't believe they're using the space efficiently, no questions asked. Gone would be the days of sitting on a couch on the ground floor clutching my 1000-page textbook in one hand and my dead laptop in the other while there's a girl sitting alone at a table with outlets coloring in one of those adult coloring books while she waits for more lives on Candy Crush.

For an additional $10 a day, this right could be extended to cover any table on campus during finals week.

Chancellor Gallagher, do with these ideas what you will.