A Letter To The Girl Who Is Reinventing Herself

A Letter To The Girl Who Is Reinventing Herself

This time around I want you to be true to you

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Sweet girl,

I want to invite you to sit and chat with me. Grab a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, and your favorite blanket, and take a breath before you read this. Clear your mind, because I want you to think about you, just for a moment. Take some time for yourself, just for five minutes, I know you don't do this often. Sweet girl, who never stops going, who doesn't know who she is anymore, and who feels lost and left behind in this world, this letter is for you.

I don't know your story, but I don't need to. I know that you feel stuck right now. I know you have no idea of where you want to go, or what you want to do, and that's okay, even if it doesn't feel that way. I know you have been broken, maybe for a little while or maybe for a long time. Either way, you are now starting to pick up the broken pieces of yourself, and trying to put them back together.

I don't know what you were broken by, maybe it was an awful relationship with a friend, parent, significant other or even yourself. Maybe you are recovering from an addiction or a mental health crisis. Or maybe, the weight of society has finally fallen too hard on your shoulders, breaking the bones you've worked so hard to make strong. But sweet girl I want you to know that whatever has broken you, is no longer a match for you, because you are stronger than your brokenness, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. I want you to keep picking up your pieces, and gluing them back together one by one, even if you break a little again on the way.

Why? Because you deserve to be wholesomely you. You are allowed to be whoever you want to be, regardless of what others think-- which I know is hard to do. I know that the weight of the world's opinions settles deeply in your mind, and I know that it is hard to ignore everyone else's opinions, but this life is yours. You are you, and there is no one else like you on this earth. I want you to know, especially as you are rebuilding yourself, that what you have to offer is needed in this world. Please don't for a second believe otherwise.

As you rebuild yourself I want you to know that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for picking up your pieces and choosing to be yourself in this world, and God is proud of you too. I want you to know that when God looks at you He does not define you by your brokenness, He defines you by your heart. You are His child, and He loves you just as you are, broken pieces included. So, as you continue to rebuild yourself, this time I want you to rebuild an unapologetic you. A you that you love. And remember, you are loved, you have value and this world needs what you have to offer.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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If You Need A Pep Talk, Remind Yourself Of These 9 Things Today

We all need a pep talk sometimes.

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My spirit animal for stress is honestly any character that just screams when they are freaking out, what a mood. College can have you feeling helpless but remember these and maybe you won't feel so bad.

1. At least you aren’t on TV

Think about it. Many TV characters royally screw up their lives continuously and I know when I watch, I am always cringing. Most of the time, I even have better solutions for that character and it makes me feel level-headed.

2. Even in sweats, you’re still best dressed

Some of the celebrities wear these crazy outfits that are not flattering or cute whatsoever. Wear your sweats and bare face with confidence, cause I would rather be dressed down than dressed in a giant meat suit. Love you though, Gaga.

3. If you’re forgetting things, it’s OK!

WE WERE ON A BREAK. Ross says it best, we had a month off of school, it’s only natural that we forget some of the stuff we learned last semester. All you can do now is review and try your best.

4. Your dog will always love you

No matter what happens, your dog will always be so excited to see you when you come home.

5. You’ll get your degree

It may seem nearly impossible now, but you can do it. Some of the best things in life take time and patience, with a little hard work added in.

6. Leslie Knope 

If you’re ever feeling bad just watch the first episode where Leslie falls into the pit and remember that at least you didn’t have to do that.

7. Your bed

After a long, hard day, your bed will always welcome you back with warm open arms. Once you climb in, all of your troubles go away.

8. Keep it neutral

Anytime my mind tells me “this is terrible and I don't know how things could get better," I always tell myself, yes, things could be better, but they could also be so much worse.

9. God has your back 

Through every situation, trial, and tribulation, God is always there silently watching his plan unfold. He gives his strongest warriors the scariest battles, for He knows they will conquer.

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