Bipolar Disorder, BPD, manic depression, however you may know it, is a mental illness classified by swings in a person's mood, energy and thinking from high to low —euphoric to depressed — and vary in intensity over the course of the episode. These are not momentary spurts of happiness and sadness, but rather, cycles of highs and lows that can last days, weeks or even months.
The hardest part of living with manic depression isn’t occasionally wanting life to come to a halt or not being able to control the swings. The hardest part of this mental illness is losing color in things that used to be vibrant and watching them turn gray. The hardest part is finding yourself again in the middle ground between highs and lows.
In the simplest of terms as a person with manic depression, I am the most ambitious and energetic person you’ll know. Just last week, someone referred to me as “Wonder Woman.” When I find myself in an episode of mania, I feel the most at ease when I am occupied. I clean, I paint, I run fast and far, I spend heavily and am constantly flying through time and space. I ramble, I think wild thoughts and I struggle to take my mind off of one thing. My hands never stop moving, and the only time I think about sleep is when I am so exhausted with myself I can’t stay awake. I resemble someone on an extreme amount of espresso and Adderall, but my body is drug-free.
In the simplest terms as a person with manic depression, I am the laziest most unmotivated person you’ll know. I find myself in episodes thinking thoughts filled with despair and minimizing my self-worth. Loneliness whilst being surrounded by people who know and love you eats you alive. It’s like this dark nightmare raining drops of self-destruction. I’m irritable, paranoid and can’t ignite the passion I once had for many things. I find myself feeling deep hopelessness for myself and the future.
And then come the moments of clarity, moments of balance and moments when I’m simply me. But it’s really difficult to get comfortable in your own skin when the inside is constantly changing first. It took many occasions and realizations to know I needed help, and you can get help, too.
I was fortunate enough to recognize that I wasn’t myself for a very long time, and I got the assistance I needed to find the free spirited, passionate, kindhearted me. Receiving help is not and never should be seen as weird or weak, and due to uneducated stigmas surrounding mental illness, that was my biggest hesitation. Like many, I got put on medication and have since then been stable, balanced and happy.
Choose you. Choose yourself. Choose life. You are worth it. You are strong. You deserve this life you were given. You are loved. If no one has told you you’re loved today, I love you.
Raise awareness about mental illness by using the hashtag #EndTheStigma to hopefully bring light to an issue that affects nearly one in five Americans.
If you or a loved one are experiencing symptoms of manic depression, do not hesitate to seek medical treatment. Above all, offer support. If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call 1-800-273-8255.
