No, not "good grief" like Charlie Brown says in Peanuts. To be honest, I don't know if good grief really exists.

I wasn't sure I would ever be in a place where I could publish this. Losing someone is never easy, and opening up to others about it is also immensely difficult. It can be awkward or uncomfortable to bring up, and it's so hard to make yourself vulnerable to others. This is especially true for me as a college student because most people I meet haven't experienced what I have gone through. People often don't know what to say, how to approach me, or how to offer their support in fear of upsetting me.

I am writing this as an open letter to anyone who has never experienced a personal loss. I feel that those who have never gone through loss should have some idea of what the grieving process can be like so they can better understand those grieving around them. My goal is for grief to be less of a taboo subject or something that must be hidden.

These are some of the most important things I've learned through my journey with loss and I hope that they shed some light on the hidden truths of grief no one tells you.

Grief never ends.

I can only compare it to the ocean. Sometimes there are riptides and rough currents, and sometimes the waves gently lap the shore. But the waves always exist, no matter their size. You may go through times when you think you have never been better, and other times might not be as great. But the good always follows the bad, just as the day follows the night. It just might take some time.

The phenomenon of a "hurting heart" is real.

I had always heard (in movies, books, other media, or even in real life) people describe sadness feeling like a pit. "My heart hurts," they would say. I didn't believe you could actually feel that physical manifestation of emotional pain. But it is very real. It feels like there is an expanding hole in your chest, a void that can never close or be filled. It isn't a sharp, agonizing pain, but more of a dull, relentless ache. It isn't similar to any sort of pain I've experienced, and I'm not even sure it really is pain, but pain is the closest category I can place the feeling in.

Grief has seasons.

Holidays, birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day, times of significant memories or traditions, life milestones. Whatever time or season you associate with your loved one will always be more difficult to get through. Grief is also not a fast process. It takes time to process all of the emotions that accompany a loss and, eventually, reach a stage of acceptance. (Once you have accepted your new reality, it is still okay to be sad. Being sad is never unacceptable) Regardless of what periods they are, some times will be harder than others. This is to be expected, and this is okay.

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I feel like I've talked a lot about the negatives of grief. Here are some brighter things I've learned through my loss experience:

Grief makes you strong.

It gave me a strength I never knew I could possess. It may present you with the most difficult, emotional obstacles of your life, but it forces you to develop the skills and power to overcome them.

Grief gives you empathy.

It makes you more aware of others, their emotions, their needs, and the things they might not be directly telling you. Understanding those around you on a deeper level allows you to give them what they might be needing without them needing to ask, bringing you closer together and creating a new kind of bond between you.

Grief gives you appreciation.

Since going through a loss, I am so much more aware of my love and appreciation of all of the amazing people I am lucky enough to have in my life. I cherish every moment I spend with them, and always make sure to tell my family and friends how much I love them because you never know when it will be the last time.

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So… what you as a friend, family member, coworker, or peer to someone who is grieving needs to remember:

Remember that every loss is different. Some are sudden, and some are anticipated. Everyone reacts differently. Never compare one loss experience to another.

Remember that grieving people often suffer silently. Not everyone wants to be open about their story and that's okay, but you can be an ally without pushing them to speak. (Hunter Hayes puts this beautifully in his song "Cry With You" - I recommend giving it a listen) A simple text message, phone call, or another form of contact to check in, wish them well, or remind them you are there for them can mean so much. Hugs are great, too, if you don't know what to say.

Remember that you don't need to pity us. The "pity face" is one we know well, and doesn't make us feel better. You don't need to feel bad for us. This is our reality, and we need to address and accept it. Don't feel bad or apologize for our reality. It's not your fault. Just be there if we need a guiding hand or someone to support us on dark days.

Remember that grief is something someone always carries with them. It doesn't end after a week, a month, a year, or even ten. It is a part of them, but it doesn't define them. Don't treat them as something fragile; they are still the same person you knew, they are just in a rough patch. Keep checking in and sending your love no matter how long it's been.

Remember that it's going to be a long road ahead, but you can be of so much help just by being there and being a friend.

And if you yourself are grieving, I love you. You are so strong and brave and incredible. Be proud of everything you have gotten through so far, and know you can face anything the future holds. Just take it one day at a time. ♡