A major announcement was made this past weekend, as President-Elect Donald J. Trump filled one of the more important positions that America holds: the vacant Supreme Court seat left by Antonin Scalia. Though, Trump admitted, there were plenty of guns qualified for the position, the decision ended up being an easy one: a fully loaded assault rifle.
"Look, we need someone who is going to make this country great again," Trump said at a press conference at a back-country farm in Maine on Saturday. "For example...may I?" Trump motioned to one of his supporters in the front row to let him handle his AK-47, to which the supporter happily obliged. Trump lifted the weapon, pointed it at the crowd in a playful jest, then proclaimed, "Isn't this the kind of guy that you want making important decisions in the future of our great, great country? Tremendous, folks, really tremendous." The rifle then fell off Mr. Trump's podium and injured several members of the media.
Many Americans today are now scrambling to find out everything they know about the fully loaded assault rifle. The gun is originally from Germany, but immigrated to the United States after proving successful under the reign of Adolf Hitler during World War II. That's just about all the information Americans needed before voicing their opinions.
"Good pick," says Rob from behind an Irving gas station. "I don't know about you, but I am a proud American, and I know that something that worked in World War II is definitely still going to work now. I'm giving all of my support to Mr. Trump and Mr. Assault Rifle."
Of course, there were plenty of contrasting views on the subject. For example, we talked to Johnny, a self-proclaimed lover of all people who still had the remnants of a kale smoothie in his beard, about the selection. "Honestly, this really offends me. Perhaps the next time I get caught smoking weed, this assault rifle will throw me in prison instead of letting my rich parents make deals with the police. I don't think I've ever been this triggered in my life."
One of the most pressing issues in our country today is, of course, gun control. One has to wonder if this new Supreme Court official will have some bias in this case, due to his gun-related background.
"I will be a fair judge," said the triumphant fully loaded assault rifle. "Through all of the pain and suffering that America has put itself through in the last few decades, I know that I can provide an answer to those who desperately seek something, anything, to help them get their voice heard."
