Why am I awake at 3:45 am on a Wednesday night, you ask? Am I haunted by anxious thoughts running through my mind? No. Am I thinking about a boy that has my heart beating? HA HA, definitely not. Unfortunately, the answer is quite simple... and perhaps a bit embarrassing. They say the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have one, so, here goes nothing. I am awake at this ungodly hour because I am addicted to trash TV.
Thanks to Netflix, Xfinity, and a multitude of other online subscription television services, the minds of the youth of America are slowly turning into mush, one episode of reality TV at a time. According to dictionary.com, trash television is defined as "the broadcasting of television programs featuring violence, profanity, partial nudity, and other vulgar subject matter." Sound familiar, MTV? For years, MTV, VH1, and other networks whose target audiences are teens and young adults have been sucking viewers into the black holes that are "The Real World," "Flavor of Love," "Jersey Shore," "The Challenge," "Are You The One," "A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila," and so many more. Basically, if you can imagine your eyes glued to your flat screen TV, blanket strewn across your lap, and carton of Rocky Road in your hands, marathoning one show all day, there's a pretty good chance that show falls into the category of trash TV.
So why am I so addicted? Well, let's look back at dictionary.com's definition of Trash TV. Violence? Kids love it. Partial nudity? Bring it on. Profanity? Even fucking better. With basically no plot line whatsoever, hours of footage of hot drunk people looking for love, aka sex, is the perfect form of entertainment for in this generation of ADD/ADHD people (even though I had it BEFORE it was trendy…). Flipping between Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and yes, in my case, Candy Crush will not at all diminish your viewing experience. God forbid we have to actually put DOWN the cell phone and focus our attention on just one thing, even if that thing is the television.
Parents around the country cringe each day as they walk into their living rooms after a long day of work to see their children presumably flushing their zillion-dollar-a-year college educations right down the toilet. Well, Mom and Dad, I have a bit of good news. While it may look like I’m just vegging out, I’ve picked up some invaluable life lessons along the way; here are the top ten:
1. Always, ALWAYS remove your earrings and fake nails before partaking in a bitch fight.
2. If you’re in an online relationship with a man claiming to be a famous rapper but he wont Skype with you, chances are good he’s NOT who he says he is.
3. Straight A's really aren’t important if you’ve got DD’s to carry you through life.
4. And if scholastics REALLY aren’t your thing, winning game shows really can be a full time career (shoutout @Johnny Bananas ILYSM)
5. Sentences not packin’ enough punch? Just toss a good ol’ “F” word right in the middle to help get your point across.
6. Fun simply cannot be had unless alcohol is involved.
7. Things said in "confidence" will almost guaranteed be heard by those you didn't intend to hear.
8. Friends come and go, but random boys you meet at the club are forNEVER.
9. Only three things are truly important in life. Gym, tan, laundry.
10. Always offer to pay for your one night stand’s cab ride home at 4 a.m.
Basically, reality TV = educational programming!
