Redeeming Joan Crawford's Final Film "Trog!"

Redeeming Joan Crawford's Final Film "Trog!"

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Just one look at Tura Satana's bustier-than-life go-go dancer Varla relegates the 1965 film Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! to the lowly status of a sexploitation movie; from the start, it is unable to regard the entire package as anything but a novelty. In spite of, or perhaps because of its notorious critical failure, it has often been reexamined by critics and, over time, has garnered high praise from feminists and film critics alike.

Life's funny like that sometimes.

Like the works of Edgar Allan Poe or Vincent Van Gogh, a movie is sometimes unfairly labeled as "bad," and shunted aside for the next week's new release. It gets filed away as a dud and for every Faster, Pussycat!, there are dozens of rhinestones-in-the-rough which are forgotten about. It is my hope to dust off these cinematic crapfests and try to salvage them in my own fledgling series I've so cleverly named "Redemption".

This week's offender is the 1970 "horror" "classic" Trog!, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford's final feature film. I would like to point out that in reviewing movies such as these I (mercifully) do not grade them along the same sliding scale reserved for movies of substance and merit. Instead, I sift through the hackneyed writing and overwrought facial expressions in search of at least one redeeming factor. Though an ignominious end to a stellar career, I am sure that Crawford's star power (however dimmed by 1970) will be enough to buoy the movie.

Having fallen just a few years short of the rise of the fast-paced summer thriller, Trog! inches by at a relentlessly slow pace and is propelled along by clichés. The "uncharted territory" trope rears it's ugly head not long into the film, ("We could be the first humans down here!" "Yeah! Let's look around!") and it becomes painfully clear that this movie will have all of the suspense and aesthetic appeal of a 90 minute long episode of the original Scooby-Doo.

Being a horror film of a different age, the suspense surrounding the titular Trog (the missing link) is ruined by encroaching shadows and an unintentionally funny attack on an explorer. Had the Hitchcock style of unseen violence been used, it might have had more of an effect on the viewer, but ten minutes in and without the screen presence of Joan Crawford it becomes impossible to regard this as anything but supremely corny and contrived. The fact that this movie lies chronologically between such horror movies of note as Rosemary's Baby (1968) and The Exorcist (1973) makes this style of unintentionally comedic horror inexcusable. Crawford has yet to be seen and already the aged actress is tasked with the herculean effort of lifting this trainwreck to at best a B-movie.



The grand dame appears onscreen not with a bang but with a smouldering whimper, playing to her costars with a forced, wide-eyed innocence reminiscent of her decades-earlier romance movies. While Crawford's restraint served as a grim, effective counterpoint to Bette Davis' all-out madness in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, she now seems hopelessly out of place amid the frenetic chaos, akin to Julie Andrews touring with Metallica.

Once Trog is captured, the movie more or less collapses in on itself in a far-less-than spectacular heap of contrived plot advancement and pseudoscientific babbling. The pizza I ordered got delivered so my attention dropped off, though I could tell I wasn't exactly missing Citizen Kane.

Final Verdict: Trog! is laughably light on scares, brains, and heart, and, with all due respect, it's fitting that this is Crawford's last feature film. The only joy to be derived from this is the overwhelming camp value, with the Academy Award-winning film icon screaming disjointed bits of dialogue at a man in a deformed monkey mask. Because it almost seems that this film was created to be subversive of horror films of quality and taste, because it's just so unrepentantly awful that it must be seen to be believed, Redemption Approved.


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I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle – Here Is Why Being Picky Is Okay

They're on their best behavior when you're dating.
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Dating nowadays described in one word: annoying.

What's even more annoying? when people tell you that you're being too "picky" when it comes to dating. Yes, from an outside perspective sometimes that's exactly what it looks like; however, when looking at it from my perspective it all makes sense.

I've heard it all:

"He was cute, why didn't you like him?"

"You didn't even give him a chance!"

"You pay too much attention to the little things!"

What people don't understand is that it's OKAY to be picky when it comes to guys. For some reason, girls in college freak out and think they're supposed to have a boyfriend by now, be engaged by the time they graduate, etc. It's all a little ridiculous.

However, I refuse to put myself on a time table such as this due to the fact that these girls who feel this way are left with no choice but to overlook the things in guys that they shouldn't be overlooking, they're settling and this is something that I refuse to do.

So this leaves the big question: What am I waiting for?

Well, I'm waiting for a guy who...

1. Wants to know my friends.

Blessed doesn't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.

I want a guy who can hang out with my friends. If a guy makes an effort to impress your friends then that says a lot about him and how he feels about you. This not only shows that he cares about you but he cares about the people in your life as well.

Someone should be happy to see you happy and your friends contribute to that happiness, therefore, they should be nothing more than supportive and caring towards you and your friendships.

2. Actually, cares to get to know me.

Although this is a very broad statement, this is the most important one. A guy should want to know all about you. He should want to know your favorite movie, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite Netflix series, etc. Often, (the guys I get stuck on dates with) love to talk about themselves: they would rather tell you about what workout they did yesterday, what their job is, and what they like to do rather than get to know you.

This is something easy to spot on the first date, so although they may be "cute," you should probably drop them if you leave your date and can recite everything about their life since the day they were born, yet they didn't catch what your last name was.

3. How they talk about other women.

It does not matter who they're talking about, if they call their ex-girlfriend crazy we all know she probably isn't and if she is it's probably their fault.

If they talk bad about their mom, let's be honest, if they're disrespecting their mother they're not going to respect you either. If they mention a girl's physical appearances when describing them. For example, "yeah, I think our waitress is that blonde chick with the big boobs"

Well if that doesn't hint they're a complete f* boy then I don't know what else to tell you. And most importantly calling other women "bitches" that's just disrespectful.

Needless to say, if his conversations are similar to ones you'd hear in a frat house, ditch him.

4. Phone etiquette.

If he can't put his phone down long enough to take you to dinner then he doesn't deserve for you to be sitting across from him.

If a guy is serious about you he's going to give you his undivided attention and he's going to do whatever it takes to impress you and checking Snapchat on a date is not impressive. Also, notice if his phone is facedown, then there's most likely a reason for it.

He doesn't trust who or what could pop up on there and he clearly doesn't want you seeing. Although I'm not particularly interested in what's popping up on their phones, putting them face down says more about the guy than you think it does.

To reiterate, it's okay to be picky ladies, you're young, there's no rush.

Remember these tips next time you're on a date or seeing someone, and keep in mind: they're on their best behavior when you're dating. Then ask yourself, what will they be like when they're comfortable? Years down the road? Is this what I really want? If you ask yourself these questions you might be down the same road I have stumbled upon, being too picky.. and that's better than settling.

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Poetry On The Odyssey: It's a Girl

An ode to the little girl raised to be insecure.

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They raise little girls to be insecure

Little girls grow to be big girls

People always ask big girls why they're so insecure

Big girls aren't quite sure

Day after day the big girl can't keep up

She's exhausted

Her soul feels worn

The big girl learns to grow hard

In a way, she's a bit stronger

People call her a bitch

Bitch

What is that?

How can she let that affect her

It's simply the only way to be her

She mourns that little girl

Hoping that one day

She'll be strong


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