An Open Letter to the Person Who Made Me Question My Self Worth.

Well in all honesty this letter is to the both of you. I understand that it takes two to tango. I am completely aware. Everyone always says don’t be mad at the other woman she’s only human. She fell for him for the same reasons you did. Trust me it is nothing I have not heard. But the simple fact is that you knew all about me. He loved you first I understand that. But you made him feel as if he was not good enough. You put him into depression and then when opportunity struck you took your chance with someone else and left him heartbroken completely. You know I knew him for years long before he and I got together. I watched what he went through with you. The way you treated him. The way you always acted as if you were better than me any time I saw you at a function with him. The way he loved your kid and would have done anything in the world for him which you took complete advantage of. And then you just left him. I was in a toxic relationship when he first showed interest in me. We started off as just friends but it quickly developed into something more. I had a choice to make. To either try harder in the same relationship or close the book completely. I chose him. Unlike you, he was my first choice. He was always good enough for me. He wasn’t good enough for you because of his financial status. You wanted stability which is why you left him. But see when he had nothing, completely nothing he was still good enough for me. I loved him through it. I encouraged him to find a better job and to budget his money, but I never pushed him. I knew he would do it on his own time and he didn’t need to be rushed. We leaned on each other for support. I helped him a lot because I saw the good in him and knew if the roles were reversed he would do the same for me. I loved him because I had felt so insecure due to past relationships for so long that he was the first guy to ever make me feel beautiful. It didn’t matter where we were or who was around he would always crawl up behind me and sneak a kiss or wrap his arms around me. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful. And you will never understand how much I loved him for that. He truly saw me. See I am the girl that is always there for everyone and would do anything in the world for anyone. And no one ever saw that. But he did. No one ever took up for me or stopped allowing people to take advantage of me. But he did. I had never been held in the way that he held me or the way that he kissed me. And I had never felt more alive. I am in my mid thirties and I spent years of my life in the wrong relationship. So to finally find love after years of hating myself was the best feeling in the world. We were not perfect we had a lot of arguments we disagreed on nearly everything. But he was ALWAYS good enough for me. I didn’t care if he had two dollars or two hundred dollars because I knew if he didn’t have us I would have us. We worked together like that. We almost had a child together and when it did not work out. My entire world came crashing down. I didn’t think we would ever recover from it. The miscarriage started a lot of issues in me. But we did and we were finally in a good place again. And then here you come.

I know I sent you a message when you first began texting him and that was probably the dumbest thing I could have done. But in your message you assured me you didn’t know that you were under the impression that he and I broke up. But that didn’t stop you the next day from inviting him to join you and your kid did it? And when you needed a babysitter you run to him. Why would you think that is ok? He is not the father of your child. You two are not together. He has a girlfriend. Call your own friends and family for a babysitter. Not him. I am sorry that your relationship did not work out the one you left the man I am truly in love with for. But that’s not fair. You did not want him until you got left high and dry. You did not want him until you saw that he was with someone else. Let’s be honest he is your comfort zone. Your security blanket. And you know he loves your kid so that’s how you reel him in. I can’t compete with you. I will never be able to give him children and it breaks my heart because I know how badly he wants them. But he will never mean to you what he meant and still means to me. You don’t know how many times I have wanted to come egg your car or slap you in the face. But I was raised better than that. It won’t solve anything at all. So the only question that still remains in my head is why? Why would you do this to another person? I know he was not innocent either. He should have ignored you he should have informed me. But you knew about me too. You were both wrong. Why do you think it is ok to put yourself in the middle of another relationship? You had your chance with him and you left him. You made him feel like he was not good enough for you and now you both have done the same to me. I would not even wish that on you. I spent so many nights in tears asking God what was wrong with me. What did you have that I don’t. You don’t know the anxiety and depression you brought to my life. You don’t know how insecure you made me feel. You turned me in to one of those desperate girls who begged someone not to leave me. I tried to change everything about who I was just to please him. I understand it isn’t your entire fault. He is just in the wrong as you are but again. You knew.

To Him:

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what is wrong with me. You know how much I loved you and all I did for you and that I always had your back. You know I helped you financially. You know I chose you every day and you know how hard I fought to hold on and make it work when it started going sour. I know now that I did everything I possibly could have and I was a good woman. I know I can’t make you love me or change how you feel so I forgive you. In spite of everything I still think you’re an amazing person, uncle, and I truly hope you are able to be a dad some day because you will make the best dad ever. I am sorry I could not give that to you. I pray that you don’t settle for something less than you deserve. Because even on your weakest days you are the most awesome person I know. I will move on from you eventually it is going to take some time. I wish I knew how to just unlove someone. You make it look so easy. I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for making me feel alive again for that amazing year even if it hurts like hell now I will never forget the way you made me feel.

To Her:

It’s funny how you broke up with him because he wasn’t good enough for you. It’s funny how you only wanted him when he was with someone else and when your relationship that was supposed to be so much better ended. This is all funny to me because you are the one that will never be good enough for him. Maybe he can do better than me. You’re right that he deserves someone who can give him children. But he deserves way better than you. He deserves someone who chose him first and who he was always good enough for. He deserves someone who doesn’t try to put themselves in to other people’s relationships. He deserves someone who will love him on his weakest days. Through the good and the bad. You will never be able to love him the way I did. I know you didn’t consider my feelings when you started messaging him again. You only thought about yourself. And that you needed comfort and a step in dad figure for your kid. In some ways I feel sorry for you. It must suck to be that miserable that as soon as a relationship ends you have to find attention elsewhere. You almost brought me to your level. You made me hate everything about myself. You made me angry with myself for not being able to have children. Something completely out of my control. You made me more emotional towards him, more clingy, more needy, you turned me into that girl. But now that he and I are done. I am slowly putting the pieces of my heart back together, and unlike you I don’t need to go call up one of my exes to find attention. I will move on one day when I am ready and when I have healed. My only hope for the future is that he is smart enough to realize that you don’t deserve him. And for you my dear, I pray you work out whatever issues you have that make you think it is acceptable to ruin relationships or mess with people’s feelings. I pray you never make someone feel not good enough ever again. Bless your little heart, Darlin!