Trapped.

I am trapped in a body and mind that is in a constant state of sleep deprivation.

Now, if you're reading this you are probably thinking, "Well, yeah you and every other college student are sleep deprived."

Unfortunately, mines not just from those 2 AM studying binders and the lack of time management.

Earlier this past year I was diagnosed with Idiopathic hypersomnia. Which means basically my body is tired all time, no amount of sleep or naps can lift the constant stage of fighting back my heavy eyelids.

When I was diagnosed I was over the moon excited that I finally had some answers, and I wasn't just lazy or depressed.

After being diagnosed it came down to what medications could I take that would finally lift this foggy feeling I've always felt.

There is no cure.

There isn't one medication to make it go away.

Those statements made me feel powerless, and trapped.

When people ask me what it feels like, it basically feels like you are drunk. You feel like your eyes move slower, your reaction time isn't as fast, you are forgetful, it's hard to concentrate.

Only, when you're drunk those side effects eventually wear off and you go back to feeling normal.

I never do.

Sometimes I do think this condition has some side effects of depression, nothing major but there is something emotionally taxing about constantly having to try to be peppy and happy and not look or feel like you haven't slept in days.

Mind over matter.

I believe that mind over matter works until it's your mind that is the problem.

I've been told I need to learn to cope with it and find a sleep schedule.

What college student has a normal life schedule?

The problem with coping is that tactic lies right where IH is. My brain can't cope because it's too busy just trying to keep my eyes open.

It's not all bad, you have good days where you don't feel as bad and you complete everything on your to-do list. But the bad days, are bad.

You are a zombie, you watch your day go by, you go through the motions but by the end of it, you can't really even remember what happened that day.

I'm grateful for the resources and especially for the support system, even more so my roommates who constantly make sure I am awake.

Your mind can be a powerful thing, I just want clarity in mine.