Have you ever felt lost? Have you ever felt like the world was closing in on you? Like no matter which way you turn there's no escape? You try so hard to break the cycle. You try so hard to be different, yet everything remains the same. Well, that's exactly how I've felt for months. My name is Mitchy Edwards, and this is my story.
"Mitchy," I hear my name and it breaks me from my trans. "Are you ready?"
"Ready?" I ask.
"For the book signing." My manager, Annabeth, replies. "You've got hundreds of fans waiting out there."
"Right." I smile. For a second I had forgotten where I was. "I'm definitely ready, just a little tired. This book tour has been crazy."
"Just get through tonight, and the tour will be done." She reminds me. "Then, you can get started on your next book. The publishers want to meet with you in about a month to hear what you've got."
I put on my best smile and say, "Let's just worry about this book. After all, that's what everyone out there is here for." I walk out to greet those waiting for the book signing. I see hundreds of women, young and old, all holding a copy of 31 Ways to be a Godly Woman. All I can think about as I'm signing books is what Annabeth said. I only have a month to come up with the concept for my next book, and I have nothing to say. Well, nothing anyone would want to hear. They all want more from the strong, Godly woman who has it all together, the woman who wrote the first book. They don't want to read what I have to say now. They don't want a broken woman who is falling apart.
After I sign the last book, of course with encouraging words of advice as expected, I am totally exhausted. Keeping up with the image of a perfect, Godly woman is taking a toll on me. I'm doing my best to be what everyone expects, but I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I never expected the book to be this much of a success, and with success comes pressure. A lot of pressure.
"Thank you," the last woman says. She looks to be about twenty.
I smile and reply with a polite, "No problem." Then, I hand her the book.
"Not for your autograph." She says. "I mean, I'm grateful for that and all, but I'm more grateful for you being an inspiration. Your book helped me when I was struggling. I loved God with my whole heart, but I didn't know how to live it. Your book, and more importantly the example you set as a Godly woman helped guide me. Thank you."
This young woman was not the first to say something like this to me. I replied the same way I always did. I said, "All the glory to, God." The young woman walked away. I was left with an empty feeling. When I started all of this two years ago, I felt a sense of joy and gratitude to be reaching young women for God's glory. Now, I just feel like I can't live up to this idea everyone has of who I am. No one really sees me, they see my book. I have no idea how to be that woman anymore.
