Moving out is hard. All of a sudden the cleaning, cooking, and shopping falls on you, not to mention that’s in addition to going to class and attending to all of your other responsibilities.
But you know who you're moving out is even harder on? Your mother. Even when she complains, she lives to coddle you, and now your moving out has taken her favorite pastime away from her. You’ll notice the change in how excited she sounds when you call, and how she always picks up on the first ring. What comes after her picking up is what’s confusing. Here’s a handy guide to translating the dialogue of your newly-empty-nested mother.
1. "Oh, I didn’t know you were going to that. Probably because you never call me.
Meaning: You should call more. Even though you probably call more than your other friends do, you should call more because she misses you and wants to know about every event and class you attend. Pencil her into a daily slot and this complaint will go away—until you miss a day again.
And when you do miss a day, you'll hear that first statement again, followed by:
2. “No, no, it’s fine, really. I know how busy you are I’m just telling you that that’s why I didn’t know.”
Translation: She hates not having everything on your schedule at her disposal to ask you about at her convenience. Call more.
3. “You’re going over to your friend’s to study? Anna, right? No? Is it Ashley? Allison? Nicole?”
What this means: She can’t keep your friends’ names straight but won’t admit it because she wants to believe she is gracefully, and completely, keeping up with your life in addition to her own. She’ll probably refer to your best friend at school as the name of a kid you had a play date within second grade, but she’ll get there eventually. Be patient.
Unfortunately, if you show frustration with her confusion, that statement will be followed by this one:
4. “Who is that? You’ve never talked about her before. Probably because you don’t call, which again, I understand.”
Translation: Call more.
5. “You have a date? What are you wearing? What jewelry? What shoes?" *Facetime starts ringing*
Meaning: She wishes she were there to join in your excitement and take a picture of you to send to the family. Yes, one of those where you’re standing by yourself. A Facetime screenshot is what she’s settling for, so let her in on your pre-date experience; she’s not used to missing “big events like these” in your life.
6. “Do you need any pantyhose? I have a coupon. It’s a deluxe pack—they’ll ship it right to you.”
Translation: She just wants to feel needed, even if that means through something as insignificant as pantyhose. She doesn’t realize you already depend on her for support, your sanity, and well, money—she just keeps thinking about how you make your own meals and shop by yourself now. So accept the pantyhose and tell her you’re wearing them to your internship interview.
Because if you make the mistake of saying you don’t need them you get…
7. “I know you said you didn’t need it but I sent it anyway. Just make sure you’re home between 1 and 5 on Friday; I made them have someone sign for it so no one takes it.”
What this means: You should’ve said OK in the first place.
8. “You sound stuffed up. Stay home from class today. One day won’t kill you. What medicine do you need? Should I drive up?”
Meaning: Her world is crashing down around her knowing you feel slightly under the weather and she isn’t there to fix it. Even though you’re an adult now and a cold isn’t going to kill you. If you stay home from class at least then she can call you every hour to “check in.” Honestly, you might want to be more worried if she doesn’t call to check in—that could be signifying an impromptu road trip up to you.
9. “Call me when you get home, OK? I’ll stay up. Fine, I promise I won’t stay up.”
I think this one is pretty obvious. Even though you’re not under the same roof as your mom anymore, she still needs to know you’re safe. Let’s just hope you have a younger sibling at home to ease the transition; if you are that younger sibling...good luck.
