the first boy i ever loved
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To The First Boy I Ever Loved

Maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't.


I have been thinking for a while about how to put this into words. After ranting about you in my diary, repeating one night over and over in my head for weeks, then finally getting over the thought of you, now I can write this.

You know how I felt about you, I only told you a thousand times. I thought that I could. I knew it wouldn't change anything, and I'm so glad I was right about that.

I just wish I hadn't been so naive.

I thought I had you figured out.

I thought the world of you.

Unfortunately, I guess I was wrong about some parts of you, and I can't tell you how much dealing with that thought alone made me cry.

I kept hoping you would prove me wrong. I hoped you would remind me who you really were, but maybe I was hoping you would remind me of the person I wanted you to be.

I wanted you to have an amazing explanation for what you did, or rather didn't, do. "Please explain to me," I thought, "please tell me why you seemingly lied to me and used me." And later, "please tell me why you chose her over me."

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I was overthinking the entire situation. We didn't have time, it wasn't going anywhere. What you said made sense, until it didn't. I just kept thinking, if it was true, "I would want to spend every last minute with that person." But you didn't, and so I started to think you lied.

Over the course of a year, I fell in love with you. I fell in love with every part of you. I loved the way you treated people you loved. I loved the fact that I smiled when I saw you smiling. I loved the way you made everyone feel like the most important person in the room. I looked back on every memory with you and smiled, I still do. I was in denial and began to think you might love me too. I think that's why it hurt so bad. I think I just expected more. My bad.

In the end, I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. If you are reading this, I don't want you to think this is me just saying a big f*** you. I'm not gonna lie, I had moments where that's all I wanted to say. But, in all honesty, a part of me still loves you, and always will.

Until next time, locker buddy.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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