Social anxiety is the number one enemy of long-lasting, meaningful friendships. For some people, their anxiety can disappear around a select few people who are like family to them, but for others, their anxiety is constant and unrelenting, no matter who they’re around. Personally, there are certain people that I’m much less anxious around than most, but it never goes away completely.

Most social anxiety stems from the fear of being judged or criticized, although it varies depending on the person. There’s usually no evidence that supports these fears, but that doesn’t matter because social anxiety is a mental illness that generally centers around a chemical imbalance. Of course, this anxiety will most likely lead one to avoid social situations and possibly even isolate themselves.

This is why social anxiety gets even more complicated when you have close friends because they think that your anxiety should vanish when you’re around them. If your anxiety doesn’t disappear, then they will probably assume that you guys aren’t as close as they initially thought. In reality, this isn’t true. Like I said before, anxiety isn’t rational and it has nothing to do with others; it’s about you and your mind. But, it’s hard for others who don’t have social anxiety to understand that, so they’ll get frustrated with your inability to hang out regularly and be completely comfortable around them.

There is nothing worse than being made to feel guilty because your mind is playing tricks on you, making you unable to have stable relationships. For those of us with social anxiety, we want nothing more than to be able to go out with our friends without feeling like there is a giant rock sitting in our stomach. We would give anything to not spend our entire day stressing over the plans that we made for that night. We don’t need others to make us feel guilty for constantly flaking out on plans; trust me, we beat ourselves up enough.

Now, I’m not saying that social anxiety should be used as an excuse to avoid all social situations or to never put yourself out there because you do have to try and fight those anxious thoughts. Sometimes, though, it can be crippling and leave you frozen in place. That’s why it’s also important not to push yourself too hard because you will burn yourself out if you’re constantly fighting with your own mind. On the other hand, you can’t expect the other person to be the only one making sacrifices and trying to be a good friend.

Having a relationship with someone who suffers from social anxiety is difficult and sometimes, you might feel like you’re giving more than you get. I promise that we are trying and that we are putting effort into our relationships; it just might not always seem like it because when we’re trying extremely hard, it might look like the bare minimum amount of effort for someone else.

People with social anxiety desire meaningful, long-lasting relationships as much as anyone else, but it takes more effort from both people than usual and not everyone is willing to put in the necessary amount of effort. So, to those with social anxiety: keep fighting those anxious thoughts because you deserve to have great friends. And to those who are friends with someone with social anxiety: I know that it can get frustrating, but we appreciate your support more than anything. Both people just have to trust that putting in the effort will be worth it in the end.