All year, my parents have been "reminding" me to apply for scholarships- "it's never too late." You have a class cancelled? Apply for a scholarship. You have free time at work? Draft a submission for a scholarship. Oh look, a text from your parents wishing you good luck on your midterm? Oh no, it's just a link to a website full of scholarships you can apply for.

Now, I'm all for scholarships and I bet you are too. It's basically free money that people just want to give to you. But I figured that hey, I'm applying for FAFSA, I'll for sure get some sort of substantial aid. From our military spending alone, I liked to think that the U.S. government had some money to spend and would do the same when it came to our college aid.

But quickly realized that when it came to financial aid, they behaved more like this:

"...and not give you any."

While I was applying for FAFSA, trying to scrounge up any aid possible to avoid having to write more mundane essays, I realized that I had answered the same questions on the financial aid applications a thousand times. “Please list the total amount you currently have in all checkings/savings accounts as well as any cash assets.” Does a coupon for a free Qdoba burrito count as “cash assets?” I don't know what the government really expects from these questions, other than to find any reason to allocate me less aid. So after receiving my statement from FAFSA last week, I realized that I should have applied to more scholarships. Many, many more. So now, as I scramble to try and find the stamina to apply for about a thousand more scholarships and begin to exhibit early signs of carpal tunnel, I'll share with you the top five ways to maximize profit.1. Scholarship essay prompts are essentially all the same: they are all asking you to describe how you’re different from the rest of the students who are “going places.” Once you realize this, you will find a specific story or anecdote that you can apply to virtually every prompt.

2. Pro Tip: if you organize all of your scholarship essays in one file, it keeps them easily accessible. You will eventually write enough to be able to copy and paste a paragraph from each essay and formulate them into one killer essay for another application. Call it a pastiche of great works. The universality of scholarship prompts allow you to piece them together. A few tweaks and the scholarship essay readers will think you spent hours on this essay just for them.

3. After about the third or fourth (essentially same) prompts, you may feel tempted to write sarcastic and catty responses to prompts. For me, it happened after the first. “Why do you want to pursue a study in international relations and affairs?” Because I want to. “In 500 words or less, describe why you should be awarded this award.” Pls. I actually encourage you to write these type of responses. Perhaps the reader will have a sense of humor and sympathize with you, granting you the award. Or if anything at all, you'll give them a laugh by making your essay stand out from the rest.

4. When an essay says it has a maximum word limit of something miniscule such as 250 or 300 words, you will have enough words to basically write your name. Alternatively, if the essay has a word limit of anything over 800 words, that means you will have to do hours of research in addition to the time spent writing the essay. These are not worth your time.

5.The key to winning awards is increasing your odds at doing so. Pick essays with a word limit of around 500, and write 500 of those. You are bound to win at least one. The trick is increasing your odds, statistically you have to win... right?

If all else fails, remember- you are not above groveling. And even if that fails, being in debt for the rest of your life really can't be that bad!