In situations where someone is faced with an abundance of stressful obstacles, socializing has the ability to make things better; sometimes, though, it can do the exact opposite. It's always greatly appreciated, however, in terms of helpfulness, it seems to fall short. Based on my own personal experiences, these are my top 5 questions that you should avoid asking someone who's struggling.
1. “How are you?”
This infamous question finds its way into the lives of anyone who's ever struggled. Obviously, it's apparent that people who ask this question mean well, but it can really put a lot of pressure on someone to feel a need to say that they're okay, when they most likely aren't. Instead, use judgement and infer that they’re feeling pretty down in the dumps. Asking them this question only reminds them of how bad they feel, rather than providing them comfort.
2. “Do you want to hang out?”
Going out with friends is totally a great way to get back on your feet, but it takes time to get there. Depending on their situation, especially if it’s after the loss of a loved one, having fun with friends may make them feel guilty. Or, if they’re struggling to make ends meet, being asked to go out may make them feel as if they can’t afford to enjoy themselves. Instead, offer to pay for a nice meal or suggest a phone call for emotional support.
3. “Are you excited for…?”
Looking forward to anything when you’re sad is a struggle in itself. Personally, whenever I’m asked if I’m excited to turn 18 next month, or graduate, my answer is always no because of the chance of my mom not being there to witness it. When you’re struggling, it’s hard enough to be surrounded by people with normal lives, but to actually celebrate something in your own difficult life, that takes the cake. So, instead of asking if they’re excited, plan on doing something nice for them on their birthday or for graduation. Don’t expect them to feel as normal as you might.
4. “What are your plans…?”
Planning can be hard for average people, but for people who are seriously struggling, it’s like pulling teeth. Thinking ahead during a time of grief will not allow room for optimism. In their case, it’s better for them to wait until the present is decently strung together in order to adequately plan for the future. Before asking someone what their plans are while they’re struggling, assess first whether or not they should be planning, and not more concerned with the present.
5. “ What can I do to make you happy?”
This question leads to the misconception that being happy is the answer. It is perfectly fine to be unhappy. In moments of intense grief, forcing other emotions can become obsolete. Others should understand that helping you maintain the emotions that you currently have can be much more helpful than expecting you to feel other ones. So, don’t tell them things like, “ Don’t be sad,” or “cheer up,” because that will ultimately make them feel like they’re in the wrong for being sad, when they have every single right to be.
If you have ever asked one of these questions to a friend or loved one during a low point in their life, don’t feel bad, ( I’m sure that I’ve done it, too.) I just hope that now you’re more aware on how to approach a person who’s struggling. Mainly, just provide them with space and time. Those are two big factors in healing wounds. Thus, even though you may be concerned about the person, just allow them with enough time for the sadness to run it’s course. That way, they bounce back feeling healthy and back to normal, but on their own time.
