Sometimes I'd like to imagine that I'm perfect and that all of my social interactions go on without a hitch. Kind of like if I had the ability to always think of the best comeback at a moment's notice or if I had the courage to always go through with the situations that I play out in my head. Despite what I would like, I'm not the suave character in a movie.
Well, not yet. I'm looking at you, movie directors.
As a result, I've had my fair share of awkward experiences, just as everyone has. They may suck in the moment, but they're stories to tell. So, from decently-okay embarrassing to downright cringe-worthy, here are my top five embarrassing moments.
5. Commencement Speech Audition
So, senior year of high school came around and, towards the end of the year, the school held auditions to pick two students that would read their speeches up on the stage at graduation - one at the beginning, one at the end. I, being the aspiring writer and Speech I student that I was, I decided that this was my time to show my prowess as a writer and speaker. I wrote a speech for the ages with some lines for chuckles built in, some fancy language and a Gatsby reference or two because it seemed to make an impact on my class.
I walked into the room where we were to audition and sitting there were a handful of my favorite teachers, including my Speech and favorite English teacher. Half way into my speech, I remembered that my body doesn't do well while giving speeches under pressure. So, thus began the stuttering, losing my place in my speech and panic. After dragging myself and everyone else through my speech, I walked my sweaty, nervous mess of a self to the door as my Speech and English teacher called out "good job, Ty". It helped my walk of shame a bit.
Long story short: I auditioned and ended up like Jay Gatsby.
4. The Sixth Grade Talent Show
Everyone has a talent for something, whether they know it or not. And I was told I was really talented at singing when I was a little elementary school Ty. In sixth grade, there was a variety show going on where students were encouraged to put their talent on for a show with a bunch of other talented children. I decided that I was going to sing a song for the show because I was going to be the American Idol of 2014. Trust me, my dad said so. Plus I had already sang a song for the variety show the year before and I was a sixth grader at this point. I knew that I was so much better.
That night, I walked onto that stage ready to tear the place up. I'm surprised there wasn't a designated place for people to faint because, watch out, not only could I sing, but I had a fedora on, too. Oh yeah. Even better, the song I picked, Into the Night by Santana ft. Chad Kroeger, has a guitar solo that is over 30 seconds long. What did I do during this guitar solo? The only thing I could do, of course: tap my foot and nod my head for the entire thing. I did that for both shows. In fact, I even messed up on which verse was the one preceding the solo for the night show, so I skipped a few words. But don't worry, I still had the fedora.
And if I learned anything from White Collar, that's all you need.
3. Re-Reading my High School Poetry in College
When I was in high school, I thought myself to be a fantastic poet. So, I wrote poems for classes whenever given the chance and I made a collection of them in my phone's notes when high school was over. I was convinced that my portfolio would be something worth showing off to my future college roommates and my super-cool college friends.
Well, it was Spring term at Kalamazoo College and I had noticed after taking a Creative Writing class that those poems I wrote were stepping stones, but they definitely weren't any degree of presentable for anyone looking to enjoy poetry. Looking back at them, there were far too many "thou"s, "tis"s and other Old English words to be taken seriously. To sweeten it all, they were entirely based on either nature, my unrequited love for a girl or comparing that girl to nature in the style of the Romantics, all with a touch of mythology because I was, and still am, a Classics nerd.
Seeing all of this, I aimed to make some of my friends laugh by bestowing upon them my honeyed words of the most divine poetry. I barely made it past the first few poems before the unadulterated embarrassment had me laughing so hard I could barely breathe. One of my friends assured me she was only laughing because she knew I had gotten much better, but it would've been hard to fall from there. At least I could rhyme.
The Bard quoth, "Thou art a poser."
2. The First Crush
Going back to elementary school (pre-talent show), I had a huge crush on a girl named Michelle. In my mind, she met all of the requirements that my elementary kid brain could fathom: she was cute. You see, I would've known more, but I was too shy to actually have a few real conversations with her. How could I talk to her? She was cute!
One day, one of my friends arranged a meeting for me so that I could profess my love for her and we would hold hands and probably swing together. Big stuff I'm talking about, here. I don't remember the star-crossed meeting starting or even when it ended, what I do remember, however, was a few seconds where I was sitting on the ground, knees to my chest with my hands covering both of my eyes. I must have been muttering some jumble of words and sounds that, if possible to translate, would've said something along the lines of "I didn't think I would get this far. This is scary. I don't know what to do."
When I opened the gap between my fingers just enough to see what was going on, I saw her standing there with her two friends just behind the nearest wall, all smiling and probably laughing at the scene that was playing out. Surprisingly, we never became an elementary school couple, but I learned from that event and became even better when it came to matters of love.
This level of love was only for my dreams.
1. The First Kiss
It's sophomore or junior year of high school and I finally got the girl of my high school dreams to go out with me for a few dates. Her name was Saley and she was a pretty good friend of mine so I was excited to have this opportunity. Plus, I was at the point of not having a girlfriend where my cousins and some of my friends started to doubt my romantic skills. After a few dates, I knew I should've already kissed her while dropping her off, but I didn't.
I thought I'd be smooth after that and craft a text supposedly meant for my best friend, Scot, who is right below her on my contact list. I sent her texts that were meant for him all the time by legitimate accident. The text was all about how I really wanted to kiss her but I didn't and I was upset about it. I added in a dash of faux surprise when I "found out" that I sent the text to the "wrong person" and it seemed like The Fates sent it. The point of it all was to let her know I wanted to kiss her, but I chickened out that one time. That way, she knew that she was in for the smooch of a lifetime.
The date came along and the time came to drop her off. We were on the porch step and we were hugging goodbye. But then I went for it. Instead of a goodnight kiss, though, it turned into a goodnight peck on the lips. Then in my ridiculously excited state, dragging me along on a white water rafting river of teenage hormones, I thought it would be such a great idea to then hug her, then peck her again on the lips. By my memory, I didn't maintain a kiss for longer than a second or two during the whole encounter. At least I had the "first kiss" pass to take a bit of the responsibility.
Plus, I didn't even try to use tongue.
Bonus: A picture of me from junior high school
