As finals week takes hold and the semester comes to a close, we students of University of the Pacific (as elsewhere) are all now preparing for the holidays. And you know what that means: lying to your parents about grades, doubling sleep to make up for all-nighters, and boasting or bashing your semester professors on the website we all know and love, RateMyProfessors.com.
Curious about what you all had to say about the faculty on this campus, I delved in to Pacific's RateMyProfessor page to see what gems I could find. The following are the twelve best reviews, ranked from good to even better — accumulated from the most-reviewed professors in all of Pacific's many academic departments.
(For the protection of the professors in question, class titles, course departments, and proper names have been censored.)
#1 - “You can call him whatever you want.”
I’m intrigued by a few things about this review: the emphatic capitalization and stoic style; the earnest defense of the professor in question; the quizzical focus of “fairness.” What personal attachment to the professor has compelled the reviewer to so sternly caution that “If you call him un-fair, he will be sad?" Was such an event witnessed by the reviewer, moving them to chivalric protection? I do not know this professor, but I, too, feel an urge to keep him from being sad.
Intrigue: 4 / 5
Endearingness: 4 / 5
#2 - “Tests are easier than homework.”
The irony soaking this review is found in the accusation of an “arrogant air” contrasted with the reviewer’s haughty and hyper-intellectual tone. After all, that second sentence is a lot of syllables to essentially communicate: "He’s nice, but only if you share his political leaning." More amusing, though, is the final sentence. After four thoughtful sentences about the professor’s personality, the reviewer completes their summation with the charmingly succinct: “Tests are easier than homework.” Unrelated, but useful, thank you.
Pretention: 4 / 5
Unexpectedness: 4 / 5
#3 - “Would have learned more watching the guy outside mow the lawn.”
This review makes the list purely for its stubbornly sparse nature. We are left with little information aside from that the reviewer learned nothing, and that their classroom probably had windows. The specific nature of the reviewer’s comparison paints an image of them gazing glassily towards the green outdoors, distant buzz of a lawnmower in the background... while the image of the professor remains puzzlingly indistinct.
Succinctness: 5 / 5
Anecdotes: 5 / 5
#4 - “Too arrogant for teaching.”
I can’t help but find interest not just in what this reviewer doesn’t say, but what they do. “Arrogant” is one thing, but instead, we get “Too arrogant for teaching.” Does the teaching profession connote a unique and lower threshold for tolerable vanity? Furthermore, is this the only thing the reviewer found objectionable about the professor? How arrogant must one be, indeed, to warrant a review so utterly lacking in praise or even neutrality?
Succinctness: 5.5 / 5
Spite: 4 / 5
#5 - “University of the Pathetic”
I rate this review highly for its dissonant tone, reading more like a YouTube comment than a class evaluation. The ellipses after the second sentence evokes a strong sense that the reviewer is recording their thoughts straight as they come, vengefully stabbing letter keys with little pause (perhaps they have just received their grade?). The best part, though, is the ending. “Yeah, this is the “University of the Pathetic”” is so potent with petulant self-satisfaction that I cannot help but be delighted. You tell ‘em, reviewer. You really got Pacific pinned now.
Spite: 4 / 5
Endearingness: 3 / 5
#6 - “the worst man i’ve ever met”
From the first sentence, this review grips one’s attention. This professor is not just the worst professor the reviewer has ever taken, he is the worst man the reviewer has EVER met. Having met many men myself over the course of my life, I find this claim momentous in its boundaries. Is he worse than Count Olaf? As bad as Darth Vader? Somewhere in between? As if this question wasn’t compelling enough, the review continues. “If I knew ahead of time what kind of man he was I would have slapped him across his face for ever trying to be a professor” simply oozes righteousness, and is incredibly personal. This reviewer has a vendetta. And yet, they only “highly suggest” that I take a different course. Titillating, indeed.
Spite: 11 / 5
Heroism: 6 / 5
#7 - “Statics is miserable no matter who teaches it”
There is something that always gets me about vague, one-line reviews. Like number 4, this one is my favorite type – reminiscent of a personal musing, like a short snippet from a diary of the reviewer, mulling over their experiences throughout the semester. Despite the vivid proclamation of “misery” in this course, the reviewer is unaffectedly zen. With the dismissive, morose-yet-carefree tone of a writer either disillusioned with their place in the universe already OR one who has achieved an inner peace most of us can only dream of, I am ultimately left nodding, as though I, too, understand this sage truth of life and "statics."
Zen: 10 / 5
Vagueness: 5 / 5
#8 - “i’ve heard some disquieting things”
At first, this review seems mild and unassuming: "only teaches what he feels like teaching," "fun guy," "hope you’re good at studying," the usual. The story only appears to take shape towards the end at “loves everything related to the proletariat and communism.” Is the surprise ending that the professor is actually Karl Marx, and we’ve been enjoying a kooky interlude in an alternate universe? But in a sudden turn, the reviewer drops this line, leaving us without a leg to stand on: “i’ve heard some disquieting things but i shouldn’t type them here.” And then… nothing. I’ve got chills. What disquieting things? Why can’t you type them here, reviewer? Who is watching? If you are like me, you may be keeping the hall light on tonight. Just in case.
Concern: 8 / 5
Narrative: 3 / 5
#9 - “eye candy is what keeps the ladies awake”
If the first two sentences of this review rhymed, I’d say it might make an excellent hip hop anthem. “Might be baldin’ in the back / but he still looks good / Makes economics easy to sit through / ‘cos eye candy is what keeps the ladies awake”—Are you groovin’? Because I know I am. I cannot lie; while the focus on this professor’s physical appearance over his teaching is amusing, I am ranking this review highly purely for the wordsmithing. “Balding in the back” and “eye candy is what keeps the ladies awake” are remarkably marketable. Jackets, anyone?
Groove: 4 / 4
Memeability: 6 / 5
#10 - “its just that his tests are made from the devil”
While it does not stand out at first glance, I personally find this review well-stocked in hilarity. The humor in this piece is again delivered through the vehicle of juxtaposition; the opening line and a half are quite average, leading the unsuspecting reader into this gem of a conclusion: “its just that his tests are made from the devil and i don’t think anyone should go through with that.” From the innocuous “its just” offsetting the absurdly egregious declaration that “his tests are made from the devil” to the sweet, earnest, and almost sisterly advice “and i don’t think that anyone should go through with that,” this review is nothing if not a kick.
Mentions of Satan: 1 / 1
Sass: 4 / 5
#11 - “Wants to be able to photosynthesize”
On the other end of the spectrum, we have again a final iteration of the single-line review. Unlike the usual judgment contained in these sentences, however, this one contains an observation tinged with childlike awe. “Wants to be able to photosynthesize…” shares the viewer in a cherishing whisper: “amazing teacher.” To cap it all off, the observation itself really carries this review through to the higher echelons of RateMyProfessor fame. I have learned next to nothing about this professor, but I am on their side. May you someday achieve your chlorophyllic dream, professor.
Endearingness: 9 / 5
Irrelevance: 4.5 / 5
#12 - “ok”
I count this not among the single-sentence reviews because I cannot even consider this a sentence. It is neither an observation nor a judgment; it is a statement; it is art. Like a 10’x10’ oil-on-canvas painting of a white square selling at $250,000, this review is dazzling in its simplicity. Consider not just the presentation, but the context—an individual went through the multi-step process of opening the website, finding the appropriate teacher, identifying the course, and clicking all the necessary boxes and buttons, all culminating in this: “ok.” No punctuation, no capitalization, not even the long-form "okay" with twice the letters.
As the top review on my list, this final contender feels not only like a truly philosophical exercise in pointlessness, but like a greater message. Perhaps the reviewer is really offering us a commentary on life, on academics, on the overarching college experience. This review is more than alright. It is “ok.”
Ineffectuality: 8 / 5
Genius: 11 / 5
All screenshots from RateMyProfessors.com.
