One of the most exciting and terrifying times in any young person’s life is going to college. Finally severed from the protective cocoon of the childhood home, one is truly on their own. This newfound freedom and responsibility is both wonderful and frightening for the opportunity and risk it all means. When I was a freshman, I completely broke down and lived under my bed for a month. So, here are some nice, helpful tips that will make your freshman year all the better! (Only slightly kidding.)
10. Eat the heart of your professor to gain their strength and wisdom
Having trouble in that Sociology class? Have you tried consuming the heart of your professor? You may call it illegal, but I call it effective study habits.
9. Buy a sadness bucket
When you’re sad, you have few places to turn, and you’re going to be sad in college often. So, why not get a sadness bucket? Just let the tears flow. Who knows, maybe you can use that water to avoid a hangover when you’re drunk.
8. Sell your plasma/blood
College sure is expensive! So, why not trek on down to your neighborhood sketchy person and sell your plasma? You’ll get a great wad of cash, and hey, you'll be helping society! Sure, you’ll lose the ability to walk for a month, but it’ll be worth it.
7. Eerily stare at every person who passes you on your way to class
A great way to make friends in college is to brazenly stare dead-eyed at every single person who passes you by on campus. Sure, they might seem very creeped out and you’ll get the reputation as “that” weirdo, but hey, at least people will know who you are now!
6. When in doubt, send out gift cards
Have a professor that hates you for seemingly no reason? Why not send him or her a gift card to the best store ever—Wegmans! Ithaca professors, especially, can't get enough of this marvelous place with almost every kind of food you can think of. So, you'll be helping your grade and your professor's stomach.
5. Feed your homework to the burn out living underneath your bed
Randy lost his scholarship after he became obsessed with "Overwatch," so now he lives under your bed until he “has it figured out.” Homework, with its thick supply of carbs, will give young Randy the energy he needs so he can finally finish his video game.
4. Go wild
Some totally uncool nerds might say drugs are bad! But they really just want to ruin everyone's fun. Go to town my friends.
3. Feed the laundry troll
It’s the afternoon on Sunday. So, you better feed the laundry troll or else you’ll never find a washer or a dyer to get those hot skinny jeans of yours dry that got ruined at last night's party.
2. Post offensive stuff on the class Facebook page
What better way to interact with your fellow college student intellectuals than to post horribly offensive comments on the class Facebook page. Sure, your notifications will become swarmed with people flexing their fancy schmancy educations to empirically and critically disprove you. But hey, at least people will notice you exist!
1. Revel in the brevity of youth
Your college years are the last few bits of your adolescence before you need to start worrying about all kinds of stuff like bills, children, and the job prospects we all face. So, enjoy your fleeting youth and the small relief it offers before the terrible reality of adulthood shall soon swallow us whole.
Okay, maybe just try #1. But I think my tips are pretty legit. Enjoy your freshman year!
