“Marquise, you act really white to be black.”
This statement still plagues me to this day. It’s one of those statements that made me feel an array of emotions throughout my life: embarrassment, anger, and confusion. Each of these feelings developed and became more complex as I grew older. I have had more time to think about the concept of “being white” within the black community; it has pained me to not know where I belong, feeling ostracized by my people, and to question my own actions.
As a kid, I never understood why people would say that I was acting white. I heard this as early as elementary school. I was that quiet kid, found comfort in textbooks, and only felt validated through my report card. At that time, I did not know how to react to statements like that, so I would shy away from people and stay to myself a little more. I just knew that it was not meant as a compliment. Even at a young age, it had an impact on my life. All of the other black students seemed to know how to be “black.” I would admire these qualities from afar, but I could never bring myself to always want to be just like them. This comment extended into my middle school years, when I began to simply expand my taste in music. It was in that moment that my mind was blown. I could not believe that I was acting white because I enjoyed listening to John Mayer, Jason Mraz, and Thirty Seconds to Mars. Apparently, I should have been listening to more rap and music from my culture. So walking around, I would not blast my music, I would turn it down when family walked by, or had to endure the typical question of what I was listening to. I was embarrassed to even show some of my actual personality, but it was annoying for me to constantly have to hide something that made me happy. Even if it was as simple as music.
“Marquise, you speak like a white person.”
I wish someone would be able to tell me what the hell this means. Are you trying to say that I speak as if I’m educated? Yeah, maybe that’s what people are trying to tell me. I do not understand why we always have to equate intelligence or dialect with a white culture. It really is not. It’s a loose example, but me being white could compare me to the likes of Honey Boo Boo, or the characters that are being played on "Duck Dynasty." It could also mean that, but we never really look at those pop culture references, we look at them on a higher, more professional level. It is sickening to hear this from another black person, it makes me question them. Why do they feel the need to perpetuate this stereotype? Why do they question my actions? Why do our own people feel the need to put themselves down? I just found myself kind of just rolling with the punches as an African-American who embraces education, but questions how much we, as a culture, have this obsessive need to label everything.
This conversation has just been brought up a lot, recently. So I decided to just kind of go on a rant. This is not meant to put anyone down, but just raise question to a complex idea.
