Dear Grandma,
For my entire life up until recently, I had someone that loved me and was proud of me, no matter if I deserved it or not. You were the person who was a constant source of support, and your faith in me caused me to believe in myself. You had this amazing gift of making me feel good about myself without even trying. You were the kindest, gentlest, most incredible person I’ve ever known. You raised a son who became the best dad I could have asked for. I never imagined that one day I’d have to say goodbye to someone that is so special to me, but I guess life has a way of making the things you never thought could be possible a harsh reality.
The loss of someone you love so deeply is something you can’t prepare for or put into words. It almost feels surreal, and I think part of that is because your brain can’t immediately process something so painful and permanent. You are not here anymore, and neither a piece of me. In life and in death, you are still a part of who I am and I will never get that piece of myself back no matter how much I want to or how hard I try. I am still struggling to accept that I will live the rest of my life without your hugs and laughter, which constantly replays in my head. I was lucky to not have to deal with huge family losses for most of my childhood or teenage years, and I never thought that you would be the person to break that streak.
Some days it doesn’t feel real. Every morning I wake up and hope that today will be a good day, and I’ll smile rather than cry at the memories that we made. I’ll walk to class and think that that the sun is shining because you wanted to remind me that everything will be OK. Sometimes I’m right and sometimes I’m wrong. I have gone to call you and have to stop myself mid-dial because I remember that I’ll never hear your voice on the other line again. Being in college, I hear people say some pretty crappy things about their grandmas, like that they only call them when they want money. It breaks my heart that so many people take their grandmothers for granted, and I would literally give an arm and a leg to have mine back.
Death brings up a lot of emotions, and guilt is a big one that I’ve experienced. I know how much you loved me, but I’m not so sure I did the best job at showing how much I love and appreciate everything you’ve done for me. So, thank you, grandma. Thank you for all of those beautiful baby blankets you spent hours sewing for me and for the quilts and pillowcases and gloves and hats you for made me as I grew up. I’ll take care of them so that I’ll be able to give them to my kids one day. Thank you for sending me boxes and boxes of hand-sewn American Girl Doll clothes so that mine wouldn’t look like all of my friends’ dolls. Thank you for making me lemon squares every time I came to visit. It’s funny how the little things like that are what I remember and miss the most. I’m sorry for the times I forgot to call and thank you for birthday presents and Easter cards. I’m sorry for not visiting more often. Most of all, I am sorry for not realizing earlier that everyone’s time here is limited and we are not guaranteed anything, from reaching our 80th birthdays to waking up the next morning. You taught me to never let a day go by without telling my friends and my family how much I love them because they may be here one moment and gone the next.
I miss you. You were my protector, always looking out for me and making sure I was safe and taken care of. I don’t have that anymore. It’s kind up of to me to take care of myself, and that’s pretty scary. I want you to see that everything you did for me in life was not a waste and I will be successful one day, not only for me but for you. Thank you for 19 years of happiness and wonderful memories that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. I love you forever, and I’ll carry you with me until I see you again.
Love,
Your granddaughter
