Toddlers are assholes, every single one of them. Sure, they all have their moments when they want to cuddle or do something cute that just melts your heart... It is short-lived. Toddlers bully adults into letting them do whatever they want, they break your will and fight you every single time. Toddlers have the amazing ability to stand their ground and not give up until you give in. If your sitting there thinking "Not my toddler, she's well behaved and blah blah BLAH," your toddler is one of the worst.
1. Toddlers are brutally honest.
If you really want to know if that certain pair of jeans makes your back side look fat, just ask your toddler. Your husband is going to insist that you look amazing because even if your ass is getting fat, he likes it that way! Toddlers are brutally honest, even when they should just stay quiet. The worst part is that you cant hold a grudge against a child, because then you become the asshole.
I honestly can not remember the last time I went to the bathroom alone. I don't even close the door anymore because if they aren't right behind me, they'll be there within seconds to jiggle the door handle or stick their fingers under the door. If anyone knows what age toddlers realize that the bathroom isn't a portal to a different dimension let me know.
I currently have Sharpie on the walls of my dining room, pizza roll filling crusted into the carpet and I realized a few days ago that one of my little monsters used the toilet bowl cleaning brush as an 'effin plunger, then put it back in the holder to ferment. My minivan looks like Toys-R-Us barfed in the back seat. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who catches you throwing something away, even though they have broken more than half of their crap toys.
4. Toddlers are compulsive liars (and piss on everything).
Goggle Potty Training and you will get roughly a gazillion tips and tricks on how to potty train your toddler. Now just close your browser because none of that crap works. Stickers, candy, charts and everything in between just to trick you into thinking that you really know what your doing. A big thank you to the sancti-mommies for that brief boost of confidence. My 2-year-old is currently showing all the signs of being ready for the big girl pot, so I put her on the training chair and wait about ten minutes for nothing. I then explain that we DO NOT, under any circumstances, pee-pee on our Elsa panties. Fast forward thirty seconds and she's pissed on one of the couch pillows.
Toddlers like to use spoons when they eat, but they don't use the spoon for the food. They just like to hold it in one hand while they use the other hand to eat their food. I know a toddler who absolutely loves peas. Strange right..? He doesn't like fresh peas, served in a bowl. He will only eat them the next day when they are being swept out from under the highchair and on their way to the dustpan. My personal favorite is my daughter who will hate everything she ate today by the next morning.
Toddlers are assholes, but there is a silver lining. They will eventually grow up and turn into teenagers. *DUN DUN DDUUUUN*
