Today was a hard day. It shouldn't have been, but it was.
I woke up to a shining sun and chirping birds, but in my mind it was storming. The cloudless sky couldn't seem to overpower the thunderous thoughts swirling around in my head. I'm not sure what the thoughts were exactly, or why they were there, but they have a way of consuming me. There's nothing I can do to stop them. So today, a day full of sunshine and laughter, was a very hard day.
Today was a hard day. It shouldn't have been, but it was.
I only had two classes because my third had been cancelled. I saw the cancellation e-mail while I was laying in bed, and even after reading the message there wasn't even an ounce of happiness trying to creep in to my soul. Instead, I felt relieved. Relieved that I could avoid socialization for an extra 75 minutes today. Relieved that I no longer had to face a responsibility I knew I wouldn't be able to fulfill. Relieved that I could lay in bed for an extra 75 minutes, wallowing in the terrifying depths of my mind. I was far too numb to be excited about a class cancellation on such a beautiful day.
Today was a hard day. It shouldn't have been, but it was.
I only made it to one of my two classes. I sat through a 50 minute class lecture where I wasn't asked to speak aloud, converse with my neighbors, or complete an assignment, but it still managed to drain every drop of energy in my body. I was optimistic when I first walked through the door, however, once I lowered myself in to my creaky desk, next to my boisterous classmates, I felt sick. No one was looking at me or talking to me, yet my cheeks felt hot and my throat felt dry. I love the class, but I couldn't calm down the storming in my head, I couldn't focus on the lecture when my thunderous thoughts were lingering.
Today was a hard day. It shouldn't have been, but it was.
As I was grudgingly walking home from class, I saw two of my closest friends on the way to theirs. My friends waved as they got closer, and I waved back, but could feel the knot in my throat growing as I mentally prepared myself for small talk. I was in a dark place, but my best friends couldn't know that. I pasted on the fake smile I've perfected so well, and told them my day has been good when they asked, because no one wants to hear the truth. No one wants to hear that you woke up feeling numb from any sort of excitement or happiness. No one wants to hear that you only slept for 4 hours because your anxiety kept you up. No one wants to hear that you feel like you're trapped in a dark tunnel, and the light at the end only seems to be getting farther and farther away. My friends wanted to hear about the A I got on a quiz, and whether or not I was going home this weekend. It's scary how easy it is to hide behind a fake smile, especially when you perfect it enough that your best friends even fall for it.
Today was a hard day. It shouldn't have been, but it was.
I didn't have an appetite, but I knew I had to eat, so I ordered my favorite pizza hoping it would bring a little bit of sunshine in to my gloomy mind. It didn't. The first bite tasted like cardboard, and so did every other bite I took. I gave up on trying to eat, and decided to watch Netflix instead hoping it would give me some sort of escape from my own head. Even after turning on my favorite show, my dark thoughts consumed me to the point that I wasn't even processing what was happening on screen. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape my own mind. But, no one would understand that. So instead of talking to my parents, siblings, or friends about the way I've been feeling, I went to sleep. Even though the escape would only last a few hours, it was the happiest I felt all day.
Today was a hard day. It shouldn't have been, but it was. I hope tomorrow is a little better, but my thunderous thoughts don't seem to be settling down any time soon.