This word alone triggers so many thoughts for everyone. It's something we've all experienced in one way or another. It could be from the loss of a loved one, financial struggle, or for me, feeling like the entire world was stacked against me.
June 2020, I experienced my first (prayers it's the last) rock bottom. My childhood finally caught up to me. I pushed all of my emotions to the side for years and years. And I always told myself it was because I needed to be there for my siblings. I had to be strong. I had to show them it was all okay.
But that's not entirely the reason for my pause in dealing with my emotions.
The truth is, I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel any of those emotions ever again or reopen those wounds. It's painful. Reliving your past traumas is a painfully long process.
The summer of 2020 was the hardest summer of my life.
This was something I kept near and dear to myself and the only person who knew a sliver of what was going on with me mentally was my dad. We had a tough conversation, that at the time felt like some really tough love. But after much reflection, it's exactly what I needed.
It gave me the push to get into therapy. Completely desperate for help, I stumbled upon one therapist who could see me that same summer day. And she changed my life forever. See the difficult thing with childhood trauma is learning to stop blaming yourself and understanding how much of it has made you who you are. The way you react to certain things, the way you communicate, the way you treat others… It's all a reflection of your childhood. You have that inner child still inside of you. Little you is still there. And sometimes we have to listen to her/him. That's when the healing begins.
Sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable and fully expose our deepest wounds to all who will listen. I know for me, this is something I kept under wraps from the majority of the world. But, if my story helps anyone to know they're not alone... then it's worth it.
All of this is to say, don't push your emotions to the side like I did. Generational trauma runs deep. The things you choose to not deal with have/will carry over to your children. You truly never know what someone is feeling inside. Depression is a battle, and it's not one any of us should ever lose. Be kind to yourself, listen to yourself, and truly feel every emotion that comes your way. You'll thank yourself later.
You're a rockstar.