Pushing people away is so much easier than letting them in and allowing them the potential to destroy you. I began tearing up as I started thinking of this article because I know how many relationships and people I have ruined by pushing people away, including myself. There are so many different reasons why I push people away, out of fear, lack of trust, insecurities, and pessimistic perceptions.
Why I push people away from fear:
One of the most terrifying aspects of life is allowing someone to tear down the walls I have surrounded myself with. I build walls to protect myself from harm or destruction, just like any weak or scared town. My walls keep me safe, my walls keep me secure, my walls are the only thing preventing me from a full out war. The war will be with myself, my own mind, after I willingly let someone in and they end up destroying me from the inside out. I have been destroyed too many times. I had to rebuild my walls and honestly it is getting exhausting. I am so scared of being hurt again that my walls have become a curtain of steel, a force to be reckoned with. It is so hard for me to let someone in now. At this point I don’t really think anyone wants to try, people like things that are just quick and easy. I want someone to show me I do not need these walls to protect me anymore. I want someone to give me safety and security in my heart and ensure me my heart will not tears apart at the seams ever again. I do not want these walls up anymore, it is so lonely.
Why trust causes me to push away:
Of course everyone has some sort of trust issues. Trust is the most fragile things in life that exists. Trust is one of the most difficult things to build and one of the easiest things to break. I would rather push people away than tale them time and effort to find trust for them just for them to go and break it. I am able to trust, I have trusted many times before, but it is so tiring being betrayed and broken over and over again. I need someone to show me how to trust without the fear of complete devastation. I need something different, someone different who is willing to help me believe in trust when I no longer think I can.
How insecurities lead me to pushing away:
Issues of insecurities have been issues I have dealt with for almost all of my life. It is not everyone else’s fault I push people away, I am at fault too. It is hard to accept someone liking me if I am not sure if I even like myself. I have to believe I am good enough for someone else, but I don’t and this is my greatest downfall. I try to love others, but I never try to love myself. I always doubt feelings other people may have for me because I think it is so impossible someone could feel anything positive about myself. I do not understand how anyone could find me beautiful, and this feeds into my pushing away issues. It is easier to push people away from me rather than to be rejected or unwanted. What if I look bad one day and that person leaves me? I feel like I have to be perfect and I am not so I do not let anyone in.
Pessimistic perceptions and pushing people away:
Unfortunately I do have a rather pessimistic outlook on life—including relationships. I automatically assume something will go wrong or I will do something wrong, so not even trying will prevent a waste of time. Every person I have talked to for a long time I ruin by telling them “I do not want to waste my time.” Instead of just waiting and joining the ride, I am just so fearful of being hurt that I rush into worrying. I always assume it will not work out, so in turn, it does not.
I am so sick of pushing people away, but at this point it is just so natural. I have so many issues to overcome that I need to stop focusing on being with someone else and just focus on fixing myself. Maybe one day someone will walk into my life and fight for me as I try once again to push them away. This is all just a waiting game, and I am waiting for the perfect end.
