To those I've hurt,
Let me tell you something that I’m sure I’ve told you 1000 times before, I wholeheartedly regret all the awful decisions that I made. The ones that broke you down--broke us down--and wrecked our relationship; the ones that changed the way you looked at me--they are the ones I hate the most. I mean, maybe you forgave me, or at least tried to, but nothing between us has been the same since. I regret all the terrible things I said, the actions I carried out, and the attitudes I threw around. I was rude and impatient and unkind, things you never truly deserved. It's funny really, because I thought I was better than that. I thought I had a good head on my shoulders and a steady set of morals in my heart. Apparently, I was a fool.
Despite the amount of time that has passed, the mistakes I've made can never truly be buried and forgotten, at least not in my eyes. I still think about the choices that I made and the pain I carried into your lives. The more difficult situations still keep me up at night; I think back over all the things I should’ve said, should’ve done, should’ve been. Replace the jealousy with understanding and the temper with a calm mind and maybe the silence between us wouldn't be so deafening. If only I had listened to you more. If only I had replaced the words “I hate you” with “I love you” more. If only I hadn’t been such a sarcastic bitch all of the damn time. If only, if only.
If only I could talk to you again, really talk, I would explain myself away to you. I would remove these walls that have been put up between us and try my hardest to fix what I have broken. I would tell you how I always allow my emotions to get the best of me when the situation turns heavy. How I discard logic and rational thinking and turn to snap judgments and cruel words. I would tell you how ashamed I feel when I look back at my past and that sometimes I leave out the dirtiest of details when telling my story to others because I just can't stand to say it out loud. I would tell you that sometimes, on the worst days, looking myself in the mirror is more painful than a slap in the face because I know that the things I did were wrong and there is nothing I can do to change that.
But I would never tell you that I was sorry.
Why? Because I am human. I am skin and bone and blood and raw emotion. Sometimes I make mistakes, no oftentimes I make mistakes, but these choices are more than burdens that I carry around. They are lessons and teachers and tools I use to push myself forward. I use them to learn. They have taught me lessons that I would've otherwise missed out on; they have given me faith, courage, and strength. Yes, these mistakes have robbed me of some of the most important people in my life, but they have also shown me that time heals all wounds, even the ones you make yourself.
Overtime, I have learned to put others before myself even when it seems like an impossible task. I have learned how to choose my battles, but also how to avoid a war. I have learned to have the strength to stand up for what is right and the wisdom to know when to sit back down. I have learned what it means to be a good friend, good daughter, and a good person. I have learned what it feels like to be knocked down and nearly defeated, but I've also learned how to pick myself up and carry on. I have become the individual I am today, though I am still imperfect, still learning.
I cannot apologize for the mistakes I've made. Yes, I hurt you. That's the worst thing that I could've done, but in hurting you, I found myself and I am not sorry for that.
