To those I've ghosted,
I'm sorry. There's no excuse for the horrible things I've done to you. I hope you've either forgiven or forgotten me. Preferably the former, because I will never forget you. Your faces flash before my eyes and it physically hurts. Many times it wasn't entirely on purpose. I was ghosting without realizing that I was becoming a ghost of your past.
At the time, I probably felt that just slipping away was better than the alternative: the "I don't think we should be friends anymore" talk. Because, as a few other ghosts may testify, most of my victims have been friends. Only one has been a boy, and it was a case of mutual ghosting. The only other boy I've ended things with got the "we need to break up" talk. You know, "it's not you, it's me", and "I still want to be friends". That's better than what I've given you, and that is inexcusable.
I've come to realize that ghosting is one of the worst things a person can do. It leaves room for undue speculation. It prevents closure and, even worse, it often closes a door that should have been left cracked open. In many cases, my ghosting was intended to be temporary. I needed time alone to focus on school, on a play, or on myself. I didn't mean to completely lose some of the best friends I've ever had.
Never has a ghosting scenario resulted in a complete falling-out. I've seen those I've ghosted around town, on Facebook, and in the Snapchats of mutual acquaintances. By ghosting you, you have become my ghost.
I have been ghosted twice in my life, and both hurt. One was a lifelong friend who decided to stop inviting me over and who decided to never see me again -- just like that. And it was easy for her because we never crossed paths again. For me, it was the prelude of the worst year of my life.
Because of this, I should have known better than to become a ghost myself, flitting in and out of people's lives, expecting to be forgiven and embraced when my depressive episode/rough patch of life is over. Alas, that is the path my life took.
I can count on one hand the people I've purposefully ghosted, and that makes it worse. For a serial ghoster, I imagine it loses its sting and the accompanying guilt after a certain number of failed relationships. I will never forget you, but I hope you have forgotten what I did to you.
I'm writing this because I don't know how to apologize to those of you I've lost. As I read and reread this, I cringe. It's not the kind of letter I would want to read from my ghosts, but it's better than the silence they've given me. And I hope it's better than the wondering I left you with.
I was ghosted again this year by a potential friend. As it was the last time, it was the beginning of one of the worst years of my life. I've decided that I have no room for ghosts in my life, even if that ghost is me.
I should have known. You deserved something better because you've never stopped being important to me. I just needed some space for a bit and, somehow, there was a galaxy between us that was too big to cross.
It's not fair, it's not right, and just know that I've never stopped thinking about you or caring about you.
I'm sorry,
Your ghost
