How are you doing? You know, between going through taped up boxes and old photographs you popped up. It's been a while, a couple of years I would assume, at least for some of you. Other's it's probably been a little under a year. I hope everything is going well. I've been having one heck of a roller coaster ride since we last saw each other or even spoke for that matter. But we're not here to talk about what I've been doing. I'll never admit it outwardly, but I miss you. I miss all of you. I'll keep that thought to myself. Bury it so deep down that even at three in the morning when I'm reminiscing with new friends while maybe a little tipsy you won't even cross my mind. Or even when I've had a couple too many drinks, I'll still avoid you. Not even the bottom of the bottle could spit you back up.

I don't hate you. I'll never hate you. I don't dislike you or wish you bad omens. It's just weird having you pop back up into my life after so much time. It's funny I can't remember half the shit that they teach me in history class but the SECOND you come up I can remember your birthday, phone number, and your address(es). I remember your mothers name and how you had to sleep with a nightlight on until you were 14. I remember hanging out in the gazebo at the elementary school down the street and that time you tripped and fell face first into a pile of mud during a late night game of manhunt.

I remember endless drives in my car and that time you lifted me on your shoulders so I could get on the roof to deliver a pillow pet to a girl I had a crush on. I remember high school wasn't the easiest but having all of you around made it seem so simple. I remember how middle school was one of the hardest times of my life, but you were the only friend I had that made life worth going on for. I remember that time I had a Halloween party and your car broke down in the parking lot of the elementary school I mentioned earlier and we stood in the pouring rain waiting for my parents to help us fix it.

I remember (stupidly, obviously) copying each other's homework when one of us forgot to finish it the night before. I remember when we thought we were the coolest kids when we had sleepovers because we'd be up until two in the morning on my computer and watching TV. I remember the pool parties and barbecues and the endless summer nights where we'd laugh until we cried. For some reason, we loved bowling even though we were all completely terrible. But the best was that we always had a great time regardless of what we were doing. Most of the time we'd just be at someone's house talking and playing video games or pool.

But I also remember the bad times. I remember when you finally opened up about your parent's divorce. I remember when your first pet passed away. I remember watching your heart break and then tried to help as you struggled to put it back together. I remember when we'd fight and it would leave a huge hole in my stomach but I couldn't let you know that because I was too stubborn to swallow my pride and admit I was wrong.

I remember being too sad to be included. I remember being excluded and having to find out from another friend that I wasn't wanted anymore. But then I found out it wasn't JUST because I was sad, it was because it was you all hated watching me struggle and wanted to help. And it pained all of you to understand that you couldn't. I think that's what made everything more painful. Knowing that neither of us could give the other what they wanted, and then stumble trying to find solutions and choking on words when trying to find a compromise. I realize that I am also to blame.

I remember when you found out about my unhealthy coping behaviors. I never wanted you to find out, but someone needed to eventually. I never saw you after you got home but I could only imagine what was going through your head on the bus ride. Then getting home and eating dinner and talking to your family and taking care of your dog with that image burning in the back of your head, and having to act like it was just another day in middle school. I remember that you didn't judge me. I remember that you gave me everything that I needed without even realizing it because in a world where I was constantly being pulled apart by myself and others you were the glue that kept me holding it together. You really saw me, in a way no one else did.

All of you were, and always will be to be honest, my best friends. Some of you I've lost complete contact with, while others I'll occasionally talk to. Some of you are still very active in my life I for that I am eternally grateful. You have all given me so much happiness in my little world that always seemed to be dark. You turned my storms into little rain clouds and weathered them out with me. I found reasons to love myself around you because I wasn't afraid to be who I wanted to be. I learned from all of you that I could be whoever I wanted to be. I learned lessons not only with you, but also FROM you.

Friendship is a word that means more to me than most other words do because I never would've made it this far without any of you. And if I had to define friendship (and I already have) you would all have your own page in the dictionary. And while a lot of those old times are memories we have to lock away because we're getting older, they'll always have a special place in my heart.

Again, I miss you. I just hope you're doing well. I want you all to know that I'm doing just fine now. And I so badly wish that we could start talking and pick up from where we left off, but I know that some endings are best left as endings. Knowing that I had or have all of you, ensures that my ending will be a happy one.