It’s been a rough week. It is every year, although this year it caught me off guard. I’ve been so caught up with everything else that I didn’t realize the 20th was here till the night before during a conversation.

I woke up on the 20th dreading the day and the week ahead of me, as I have for the past two years. The year before that I woke up as if it was any other day, because at the time it was. It was two hours into that day my world came crashing down. The week after that is a blur of tears, grief and confusing feelings. I never thought that would happen to you. You were a fighter. You were going to beat cancer. You were my badass, cool, fearless aunt who understood me, had fun with me, and put me in my place when I needed it. I never thought for one second that I would be without you at some point. It was un-imaginable to live in a world that you weren’t a part of. I also never blamed you. I knew that you didn’t give up, your body did. I know you have never really left me, but still to this day I yearn to be able to hear your voice, to touch you, to smell the hair spray you used to wear and the cigarettes you used to smoke. I miss the jokes we used to tell and the lazy days we used to have. The adventures we dreamed of, and the ones we planned to go on. The memories we were supposed to have.

As I write this, it has been 1,097 days since I last saw you, smiled at you, laughed with you, embraced you or heard you tell me “I love you”. There is a lot I wish I could sit down with you & say about those 1,097 days. My educational goals, fun adventures, concerts, first time flying, getting my drivers license, turning eighteen years old, my engagement & upcoming wedding, my class stories, my car accident, my first car, becoming a process server, experiences with the kids, new music you probably wouldn’t like but that I would show you anyway. All the things I want to tell you; I know you know them. I know you see them. I know you are with me every day. That still doesn’t change how much I want you back, even 1,097 days later.

I know I will cry, for a moment, on my wedding day because you were always supposed to walk me down the aisle. I know I will tear up when I receive my bachelor’s degree, and then my J.D., when I look into the auditorium at my family, and you aren’t visible. I know I will cry when my rose tattoo is finished, I will finally have a proper memorial tattoo in honor of you. I will cry one day, when I have a daughter who shares your name as I tell her about the woman she was named after. I will cry when I buy my dream car, and can’t take you for a ride in it, or when I buy a home and can’t give you the grand tour. I will cry for a minute a month from now, when I turn twenty-one, and realize this is my fourth birthday without you.

It has been 1,097 days since you left this earth, and joined the spirit side. Every day I wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here. Every day I remind myself that I not only live my life for myself, but for you as well. Every day, I wonder where you are watching over me from. Every day, I am farther from the last time that I saw you. Every day, I am closer to the day when I will see you again. Every day, I take a minute and hope that that day is very far away from me. Not because I don’t miss you, or because I wouldn’t give anything to see you again; because I want to have a full lifetime of stories, adventures, experiences, and little moments to tell you about when I finally see you again.

I lost my faith for a while after your death, and have slowly come back to it over time. One thing that has stuck with me since I read it off the funeral program, is that God broke my heart to prove he only takes the best. Grief is the last act of love we give to those we have lost. Where there is deep grief, there was/is great love. Thank you for showing me such great love. Thank you for guiding me, for being there whenever I needed you. Thank you for teaching me all that you did. Thank you for being my other mom. Thank you for all the memories you gave me. Thank you for loving me not just as your niece, but as your daughter. My only regret is that we didn't take more pictures along the way.

I miss you more than words can say, and although I can think back at our memories & smile, I still cry for you and the life you missed out on. You taught me what a strong woman was/is, and exactly what kind of person I want to be. You showed me how to be a loving but firm parent, how to be a considerate fiancé/wife, why it is important to never give up on your dreams, and what it means to truly be “rich” (it actually has nothing to do with money or material possessions. It has everything to do with the people you surround yourself with, and the environment you create for your life) You tried to teach me patience, and that right there is a powerful testimony to yours, cause anyone who knows me knows that I don’t have much there, although its improved some with time. You influenced my life so deeply, in just six years of time. You left a lasting impression on my heart and in my mind. You are forever not just my aunt, but my Rosie-mom, and my best friend.