To The Person Who Doesn't Understand My Mental Illness

To The Person Who Doesn't Understand My Mental Illness

It is only there to cause immense destruction, and for the most part of me it has.
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To the person who does not understand my mental illness,

I hope you never have to. My mental illness is a daily struggle, with trying to figure out if what I am feeling is real or just some figment of my brain. It is a suffocating blanket that wraps around my very being, but unlike a regular blanket, it does not make me feel safe and warm. It makes me feel scared and cold. It causes me to lose hope and to drag myself into a pit because of the worthlessness it makes me feel. It is like going into a war only to find out that the enemy is your own self. It is only there to cause immense destruction, and for the most part of me it has. I hope you never have to go through what i have gone through. It has caused me to wish death upon myself, me, just knocking on deaths door and pleading with him to take me already. And each time Death denied me, like the world had done to me already, and shut the door. I have been lost and defeated, broken and angry, and mostly confused. How was I supposed to live life with these cars full of unbearable thoughts and ultimate fears speeding in circles on the racetrack of my brain. How was I going to get the pain to stop? I sat quietly in pain until I decided to start talking about it.

You see, that is where I found refuge. Although I took four years to choose that I was not going to let my illness control me, I still took the risk and got help. Now just because I got help does not mean that it is gone. My mental illness will probably never go away. In fact, I still have to deal with it every day. I still have my downs, I just know how to handle it. If something makes me unhappy, now, instead of wallowing in the pool of sorrow, I just tell those things goodbye. And recently I have been doing that more so now than ever.

So dear person who does not understand my mental illness, I ask for you to do something: accept me. Do not treat me like I am a fragile bird who has broken its wing, do not pity me for the fact that my brain is not quite normal, and do not charity me. Treat me like the strong person I know I am, the one who has battle scars and lived to prove that it does get better. Love me for the person I have become, and please know that my mental illness i not me, but only a part of me with a story to tell. I will live my life to the fullest and make the impossibles possible. Just wait and see.

From,

A person with a mental illness

Cover Image Credit: N

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won’t see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won’t laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won’t go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They’ll miss you. They’ll cry.

You won’t fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won’t get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won’t be there to wipe away your mother’s tears when she finds out that you’re gone.

You won’t be able to hug the ones that love you while they’re waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won’t be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won’t find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won’t celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won’t turn another year older.

You will never see the places you’ve always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You’ll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it’s not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don’t let today be the end.

You don’t have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It’s not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I’m sure you’re no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won’t do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you’ll be fine.” Because when they aren’t, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

For help, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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Goodbye To The Boy Who Sexually Assaulted Me, You Can Never Hurt Me Again

In 30 minutes you turned my life around.

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views

*Content Warning: Sexual Assault*

You destroyed me.

You took away my innocence.

You were able to take away my dreams and aspirations.

You were able to shut me down in ways I didn't know to be possible.

In 30 minutes you turned my life around.

Broken trust, that is what you left me with. A broken sense of stability and love. Sometimes I sit and wonder why you thought it was okay to take advantage of me? Why it was okay to hit, and belittle me? You had me left feeling foreign to my own body.

But then I realize it is not my fault, it is yours. This is not a cry for help or an avenue to get attention this is me raising awareness that not only did you hurt me but others are experiencing the same thing you put me through.

My innocence was taken by you without consent. I sat in my room for hours after that night thinking of ways to end the life I was given. I spent countless nights waking up screaming with tears rushing down my face. I spent the majority of my future relationships scared of ever letting myself feel again. I was forced to take avenues of help like therapy appointments and trying different depression medicines. All of this resulted from the 30 minutes you could not control yourself.

Yes, you destroyed me. But now I'm stronger than ever, you will never be able to hurt me again.

With all of the pain and endless nights of contemplating my reason to live, I found strength, I found a way to share my voice and help others experiencing this pain. I am stronger now than I ever thought possible.

I wake up every day now appreciating the things in life that matter most to me, like the love my boyfriend has for me, the amazing family I am blessed with, and the amazing friends that helped me through this experience. I have learned that fighting for my life was worth it and I was not going to let you take that away from me.

I will not stop sharing my story, I have learned that sharing my experiences of sexual assault has let others feel less alone in the scary process that you, unfortunately, put me through. What you did to me was not okay. But through this, I have understood and realized my worth in this crazy rollercoaster we call life.

I found strength in the moments you made me the weakest, and I'm no longer looking back.

I have hope that other survivors will understand that their life is just as valuable. There is a bigger fight for happiness and finding it is not always the easiest but the journey getting there is worth it.

You ARE strong.

You ARE worth it.

It's NOT your fault.

You're NOT alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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