I'll be honest. I have written and rewritten this article. I had different approaches and various plot points, but the truth was I was scared to post this article. I was scared to be vulnerable about this. I didn't want to hurt anyone with things I was going to say. I'm a writer in a world of misinterpretation who was afraid to be misunderstood, but what I've learned is that when you write from the heart people tend to feel you from the heart. I want this to be about more than a breakup. I want it to be about rejuvenation, soul searching and encouragement.

Having your heartbroken feels a lot like a hot branding knife down your throat. You're choked up, eyes glossy, stomach feels wretched and at any minute it feels like you could burst from the pain. My friends who had never dated used to ask me what it was like to fall in love and I would almost envy their innocence to it. I would think to myself "you're free right now there's no emotional ties, protect yourself." I never wanted them to know what could happen if it didn't work.

Let's talk about the good.

When things were good sometimes it felt like time stopped. It felt like what mattered right now was that we were going to be okay because nostalgia and history right. Excuse me if I get very Nicolas Sparks here, but it felt like the kind of love that was dangerously satisfying because towards the later years it was mostly secretive. It was intense and it was a challenge. I used to stay up writing poems and telling God how much I loved him, to watch over him. Sometimes I would laugh so hard at the things he would say my mouth would hurt from smiling while I was laughing. He used to hate that I liked twizzlers, but I vividly remember him stopping by the store one day to surprise me with some and I was happy about it for days.

There were good times and I need to acknowledge that because part of the healing process for me was acknowledging that it was okay to miss the good times. I don't always talk about the good things from that relationship, but it feels good to be able to reminisce on them and not be scared about where my mind will drift after them. It felt good to allow myself to remember that I could fall in love.

Let's talk about the bad.

I'm not perfect and that has to be clarified before I get into the bad because I was apart of the bad. I couldn't accept situations as is and I was overcompensating in areas to try to put pieces together that weren't fitting. My emotions used to fluctuate and I didn't know how to communicate properly until later into knowing him. I couldn't accept that I was watching someone who I loved falling out of love with me so I tried to fight to show him what made him fall in with me in the first place.

I could feel him forgetting pieces of me. Things were off and on. Friendship to no friendship to more than friendship. It was a cycle. After dating one of my friends, lying to me, betraying my trust, making me second choice, the thing that hurt me the most was that he never apologized. It felt like not only did you do these things, but they sat well with you. I wanted him to empathize with me even beg for me to forgive him, but the truth was I think he thought I would just always be there. I would go above and beyond in apologizing sometimes I would apologize for even being upset about something that he did to me.

I had to acknowledge that what happened to me wasn't okay even if the person who did it to me didn't care to. I started placing value on self over value on someone I loved. Sorry sounds nice and it's been given this magical attachment that it heals, but sorry doesn't excuse the betrayal only softens the blow. There's still the pieces that have to be picked up. Sorry is a courtesy and action is the real change. I've had nights where I laid in bed wondering where my sorry was, but the truth was the person I owed an apology to was myself.

Power is in forgiveness and once I forgave myself/that person, that miracle "sorry" from him began to feel a lot less important. You can't teach empathy to someone who didn't want to empathize with you in the first place. Empathize with yourself. You owe it to yourself to recognize that you've been through things and you need to be gentle with yourself. Set boundaries on what you can handle with that person and situation. Contrary to popular belief you don't need closure with anyone, but yourself.

Self worth is calculated by self measurement. No one gets to validate you except you and God. One of those people have already called you to be great, you just have to buy in. Time to get corny, but I used to cry in my bed listening to J.Cole's 'Crooked Smile'. (I'm cringing as I type this). There's a verse where he says "'Cause he don't seem to want you back…So all you see is what you lacking not what you packing". I used to only see what I thought I needed to get that person to just see me and I missed out on recognizing amazing things about myself.

I wasn't ashamed of the love I gave anymore because it was good and I meant it. I knew I had a lot to offer in a relationship. Going above and beyond for someone when they didn't do it for you counts as a loss for them because they missed out on a person who did it even after they hurt you. I don't see myself as damaged, a person with trust issues or who can't be loved because I find comfort in knowing I was capable of love in the first place. Comfort in knowing that I can forgive and move on.

Healing isn't linear, something that I think everyone should know. Some days feel better than others, but look at how you are growing. Even the little things like "I saw a memory of us and laughed instead of crying". Look at yourself and know you are good. I can speak about this person kindly now because regardless of what he did to me, my kindness transcends. Kindness doesn't mean go be boo boo the fool, but be warm in your heart towards that person despite what they did. You don't have take up vengeance in order to feel fulfilled.

I kept my distance and flourished. History doesn't mean anything if the person you have it with doesn't value you or know your worth. I spent a lot of time trying to prove my value to someone who had their eyes closed in a garden and I still kept growing. I will always wish prosperity as well as love on this person because hate can breed death and gardens don't do well with dead flowers. God will watch over him just as he watches over me and maybe one day I'll get that apology, but it's already too late.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

Main picture by @mazadohta on twitter : Pavana Reddy