To the People Who Loved Me When I Was Unable To Love Myself

To the People Who Loved Me When I Was Unable To Love Myself

"It's just so hard to be okay and happy on days when you cannot understand why anyone loves you."

Makayla Berry

Thank you.

Thank you for everything. For sticking with me through thick and thin. For loving me when I was convinced I hated myself. For loving me on my best days and on my 'I don't want to exist anymore' days. For all the little things you did to make me feel better, and that helped me get better. Like when I felt so overwhelmed with everything and everyone that I left home late at night to go for a walk and despite my protests you followed me through the dark to find me and comfort me as I broke down on the grass. And when I collapsed under the pressure and under the stress and you came in and caught me and held me up in the bathroom as my mind self-destructed. When I have my anxiety attacks and you hold me close to calm me down.

I know how hard it is to keep loving someone who can barely love themselves, so I just want to say thank you. I know sometimes it's really difficult to deal with. Because I get so worked up so easily. For those of you who see me on the daily, you know what I'm talking about. I get anxious over silly things but in the moment they don't feel silly. When I'm in a large crowd in a small space my head spins and my heart races, but you're always there to hold my hand or make me smile.

I also know it's hard because when someone struggles to love themselves, you can get frustrated because you love them so much and you can't fathom why they can't do the same. I've gotten frustrated over that. Because I'm a huge hypocrite (most of us are), but when someone who makes my heart swell tells me they hate themselves it breaks my heart, because no one deserves to feel that way. And because they're perfect and they need to see that. But on the other side of that coin, I know how easy it is to see nothing but your flaws and your mistakes and ruminate on things from the past and just how easy it is to feel like you hate yourself.

And I'm not going to lie, sometimes we're mean. Sometimes we're really hard to deal with when we have our really bad days. Sometimes we yell at you, sometimes we say things we don't actually mean, sometimes we break down because of a towel. We don't mean to do these things. It's just so hard to be okay and happy on days when you cannot understand why anyone loves you.

And yet at the end of the day, you, my heroes and heroines of this article, you still love them. You, every single one of you, are still here. Yes, you lose people along the way to recovery-- the universe knows I have--but it's the people who've stuck around that matter. You guys are amazing human beings. And you aren't told this enough, but you are so loved and so very appreciated. My people have saved my life, and along the way I've learned how to love myself. I'll admit, I still have my moments, but I am so much better than I was when I had no support group and no one who would stick around. Thank you for everything. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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