Of course you didn't just say that out of the blue, naturally, there was an incident that led up to you saying those cold words, but my question for you is, are there any circumstances that ever make saying that to someone justifiable? ...I'll wait.
I am not perfect, I have been battling with depression my whole life. I've had multiple people commit suicide in my family and have had many friends pass in the same manner too.
It all started when I was a child when sadness swept me away from the first home I ever knew but I couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to stay. I was depressed before I ever knew the definition or spelling of the word, but it was a feeling I had become too familiar with
Years later in a similar situation, everything I had was ripped away deceitfully and without tact. I was alone and fourteen. I remember buying black roses, begging on my knees with tears in my eyes asking God to let me go to heaven now because life on earth wasn't something I wanted to endure any longer.
When I spoke about my depression to my mother, the response I got was "Well, what are you gonna do? Kill yourself?" Sometimes I wish I could have called her bluff but instead I just found a new place to cut myself.
I was sick, I thought that If I was going to be in pain, shouldn't I at least have the right to be the reason why? If it's okay for everyone else to hurt me, why can't I save them the trouble and just hurt myself.
Instead of having the guts to drown myself in a bathtub, I held on to the fact that my little brother would need me. Without me, he would be all alone.
Fast forward another ten or so years, when what should have been the best day of my life, turned out to be the start of an uphill battle.
I have gone everyday listening to how amazing and beautiful the day was for everyone else, but me? It's the day that started my latest flare-up I guess you could say. And now every minute of every day I have to deal with the fact that my family could care less if I am dead or alive.
They don't care I drive down the street wishing that a semi would come out of nowhere.
They don't care that I cry enough tears to fill the seven seas.
They don't see how hard it is to act like everything's okay all the time.
They don't see me making list after list of reasons I should keep breathing and how the reasons I shouldn’t, no matter how hard I try are always slightly higher.
So thank you so much to the brave soul that told me to die, thank you for reminding me that there is one less person I have to worry about disappointing. Thank you for reminding me how alone I am and will probably always be.
Thank you for proving to me that the people who are closest to you are really the ones that want to watch you fall. You have gone to great lengths to get a front row seat, I hope it was worth it.