I wish I would have paid more attention, because maybe if I paid more attention, you would still be here. I wish I wasn’t so caught up in my own life, that I would have taken a second to check in with you, to see how things were going, rather than just reading your occasional Facebook posts and assuming all was well or that you were being dramatic.
The heartbreaking thing about wishes, though, is that most of the things we wish for, we cannot attain. I only needed 5 minutes with you, but unfortunately, I haven’t mastered time-travel.
I hate it that you felt like this was your only option. I hate it so much that you had to endure that kind of pain. If you could have only seen the devastation that has emerged since you left, maybe it would have been enough to keep you here a little bit longer. The only conclusion I can make is that what you were dealing with must have been unbearable, and for that, I am truly sorry, but what is unbearable is the hole you have left in the lives of those who loved you.
You were good. You were so good, but you mustn’t have felt that way. If you did, you wouldn’t have felt it necessary to leave us. If only the world had given you, what you gave it, then maybe you would have had the strength to hold on. If only.
Isn’t it ironic how we never know what to do until it’s too late? Had these professions of love for you only come sooner maybe you would still be here, just maybe. I’m sure that some of these people may have never even had a personal relationship with you, but I bet if you would have reached out, they would have helped you. I know I would have.
I wish I had 5 minutes. I wish I had just 5 minutes to talk to you, to see how you were doing and to press you until you told the truth. Because I know I could have helped you, I know I could have reminded you of everything and everyone you would leave behind. I wish you had known that you could have told me what you were feeling, and I wouldn’t have judged you. I wouldn’t have thought you were weak or messed up. I wouldn’t have told you to stop feeling sorry for yourself or to get over it. I would have prayed relentlessly for you and I would have given you an outlet for your emotions. If I only had 5 minutes, I could have changed all of this. Rather than writing this letter that really doesn’t help you at all, I could be having a real conversation with you. But I don’t have 5 minutes. I have a head full of “what ifs” and a heart full of sorrow. We weren’t best friends, but we did have a relationship. We had a childhood of hide-and-seek and counting sheep before we fell asleep. I think you’ll count higher this time; unfortunately, you got a head start.
