Dear boy,

Before I met you, I was this empty hole of what it felt to be nothing but darkness. A feeling of grief, stuck at anger because I was mad at everyone and everything with how my life ended up like. I always thought that I was worthless and I wasn't deserving of love. Love that people experience that's absolutely beautiful. I thought I would always be alone, and I was starting to get used to the thought of being alone for the rest of my life.

I lost faith in any kind of relationships and never tried to make any social interactions with anyone, in fear of losing the future that was put in my head for so long. I was scared and honestly the thought of a relationship terrified me. It scared me so much that I vowed to myself I would never want to get married with anyone or have kids. I lost a views on love all together. I was a shell of a person who was numb.

But then, I met you. I still remember how it happened. I was watching Youtube on May 7th of 2018. I was watching an episode of "90 Day Fiancé." On this episode, a girl mentioned Okcupid and how she always wanted to look outside the States for love. I thought about it for probably a good 10 minutes and thought "What do I have to lose?" So, I downloaded it and set up part of my account. I decided to go to bed.

May 18th of 2018.

This date is going to continue to stick with me. It's a date I won't ever forget. I woke up on that morning and instantly starting using the app. Setting up my bio, my questions, etc. I was swiping people up until your profile came up. Your profile intrigued me. I saw that you messaged me so I clicked on your profile and opened it.

You didn't have much of your profile set up. A very small bio, but I can still remember the message you sent me. You sent me such a corny message;

"Forensic Pathology you say? So that means we get to solve crimes together huh… Sounds exciting haha"

Normally, I don't answer many people. Especially people who don't really give me something to go off of. But I got a good vibe and thought I should just give it a try. So I matched you and answered. We clicked instantly. We were inseparable, it felt like it was just me and you against the world. Talking to you feels like talking to someone who I've known my whole life.

I've told you things that only close people to me know. And I mean, REALLY close people. I don't have many people who I let into my life and who actually knows my business. You made talking about things I don't want to remember easier to talk about. You made and still make the good come out of me. You manage to tear the wall that I've spent years building, come crashing down.

That was one thing I thought I would always have and I would never let someone come into my life. You changed everything. You made the good come out of me and shown me the light that I haven't seen in oh so long. After seeing what it's like in the light, I never want to go back into the dark.

Being almost 4,000 miles away from me, you still managed to give me butterflies. Even if it was just over the phone. You made me look forward to waking up in the morning because I got to see a message from you lighting up my screen. Your corny jokes always made me laugh, even if you knew I didn't want to laugh because I was upset or 'mad'.

You made me feel like I wasn't alone. Before, I could be surrounded by 100 people and I would still feel so alone. You make me so happy that I want to cry. A good cry. You make me believe in love, in having a family, in being married and spending the rest of my life with you. I fell so hard for you, and so fast. I remember when you confessed your love to me, I thought my heart was about to explode!

Then came our facetimes. I thought our first facetime would have been awkward because we would run out of things to say but it was actually amazing. Everything about you is amazing. Your smile, your laugh, your hot ass accent, the way you pronounce some words, the way you used to say "I love you" in Slovenian, the way you would try to get me to say things in your native tongue, and you always making sure you reminded to call me beautiful.

I have never met anyone like you. You have shown me that what I had in the past was everything but love. I have experienced real love with you. Genuine, caring, love. And everyday forward I would always think that it was one day closer to finally being able to sleep right next to you. I've spent time trying to learn Slovenian so I could speak to your parents and family so I could get a real bond because I always worried whether your family would like me.

I've non-stop talked about how much I fallen for you to my dad. I've talked about how you were such an amazing person to my mother and how I'm so excited to be able to pick you up from the airport. Or for you to be able to pick me up from your airport. I've planned things for us to do together so we could make our time together so special.

But things started to go downhill after a while. I started seeing doctors and getting diagnosed with problems that I don't want. I think the fact of trying to cope with being damaged so bad to the point of having disorders, it started to mess with my thinking. I started thinking badly of myself. I started hating myself more and more. I made thing up in my mind of the what-ifs. I started overthinking to the point I would continuously lash out.

It wasn't fair to you. I was struggling. But as the time went on with not talking to each other, I started trying to get help to heal myself. I thought about you everyday that went on and I continuously worked on myself. All up until my dog got hit by a car and died. I was heartbroken to the point I didn't know what to do anymore, I spent my nights crying myself to the point to where my eyes were so swollen I couldn't open them anymore.

I cleaned my room out the day after and found a picture I had printed out of us on facetime. In a picture frame that I forgot I had. My heart shattered even more. So I tried messaging you on the only thing I had you on, Skype. Days and days of waiting to see if you would log on, nothing. Until I went back on OkCupid. I found your profile and decided to message you. I stayed up to see if I would get a reply but fell asleep waiting. I woke up to a message from you.

Hearing how much you seemed destroyed over the time of us not talking to each other, killed me. I hate how hurt that you feel, how hopeless with everything you feel. You were and are such an amazing soul. So I guess the moral of this story is,

I want you to know, I will never give up on you. I'm going to try and piece you back together piece by piece, even if you think that you're "damaged goods." Beyond the point of repair, because I promise that you are worth it. I know you're in a bad place right now and you're trying to think about all that's happening but I'm glad that we're talking again.

Just know, that I love you. I loved you back then and I continue to love you now. I fell in love with your personality, your smile, your voice, everything. I want you to realize that my love for you is true. I would never cheat on you, I would always stay faithful to you. Just like I did before. You're the only guy I talked to and really the only person I talked to besides my parents, family I live with, and my best friend. You're the one person I wanted to talk to all day. Because being with me, you would never have to question your worth or question my love for you.

I am so incredibly thankful for you and I'm so lucky to be able to just have you in my life. I never realized how incredible or beautiful love can be until I met you. I know you don't see how amazing you are, but I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because only then would you realize how perfect you are to me.

Ljubium te.