This isn't something I ever thought about until I talked about it with some friends. Each different woman I talked to had the same internalized guilt and embarrassment that I faced. The whole "girl-next-door" persona and the "nice girl" persona are complete and utter bullshit. Now, hear me out.

This is coming from someone that was classified and defined by this mold. It's basically – to me – having made myself smaller so others, mainly men, would feel comfortable. It wasn't something I thought out or did deliberately. But, upon reflection, it is exactly how I lived the majority of my life. I became a real-life manic pixie dream girl – a "magic" woman expected to provide a lesson for the men who wormed their way into my life. It was like my purpose was to aid them on their journey of becoming a person that, at some point, I stopped existing. At least, I stopped existing as my true self.

I always muted myself and lived in between the shadows of what was acceptable. The sad truth is I wanted people to like me. This meek, passive person was, at the time, my ticket to likeability. Again, unbeknownst to me, this wasn't something I outright admitted to myself. I believed this dialed-back version of myself was still me but it wasn't. And it didn't make people like me, either.

You see, when you're a muted version of yourself you can never fully be the true you. So, when you let someone new in and they see you full on--a vibrant color-wheel exploding with every color, with every different thought, and even all of your screw-ups – it scares people away.

Because I was never fully myself, kept my guard up, and kind of sold myself as this more palatable version the real me didn't live up to the "magical" or nice version of myself. I was too real. I am far from perfect, trust me, I know. But I also know what it's like to have all of these expectations and being placed on a pedestal. And pedestals get knocked down.

But I got tired. I grew tired of being smaller in order to not cause waves by speaking my mind. I grew tired of the mental gymnastics of subduing my personality in order to be "nice." So, I started to argue back. I stopped holding my tongue when it came to "controversial" opinions.

"Nice" isn't about kindness or empathy; "nice," to me, became a way to stifle that kindness and empathy and my voice in general. So, fuck being nice. Be empathetic and kind and look out for other people even if you aren't "nice" in the process. There are worse things than being called a bitch for speaking my mind and being myself. It just took a bit to get there.